Sometimes it is comforting that God is in control, but certainly when we learned of Nathaniel's condition at 12 weeks in our pregnancy and after his death, I often questioned God's will and why my child couldn't survive or why a miracle wasn't chosen for Nathaniel. I really wrestled with God and my faith in the months leading up to and after the birth of my boys and subsequent death of Nathaniel. It hurt so much. Why would God allow this to happen to us? Did we do something to deserve this? Did we not pray hard or long enough for a miracle?
Shortly after learning of Nathaniel's condition I sent the following email to my family:
"From: Moore Angie-CAM096
Sent: Monday, October 10, 2005 4:47 PM
To: 'Steve Smith'; 'Mom at Home'Cc: 'Lauren E Smith'; Stephanie Cruson; Moore Casey-CCM041; Home Email Subject: Babies
Thanks for going and praying with Casey and I after church yesterday. We really appreciate all of your love, support, and prayers.
After praying yesterday and thinking more about it, God has granted me some well-needed peace in this situation. Some things I remembered as I reflected on what Winston said in the prayer room and other things I have learned about God through my walk with Him since I was 19 or 20: God is in control of everything. He has the power to "authorize" or "forbid" this type of trial to pass over us. Nothing happens without His complete knowledge.
Knowing all of this, I started to question; If I could snap my fingers today and change this baby's condition, if I knew that I would be going against God's will, would I do it? As hard as it is to say, I don't believe I would. God's way's are perfect. He has no blemish. He knows what is best for this baby, for Casey, myself and our other baby, as well as all the people around us that love us and our babies.
So as much as it hurts, I can live with the outcome. I will continue to pray for complete healing and that the lesson God wanted all of us to learn from this situation will be learned. But if that is not God's will and this baby is to remain with this condition I will pray for God's perfect and holy will and most of all for His comfort. There are many, many people praying for us and our precious angel. Which also means there are lots of people watching to see how we handle this situation. Will God be glorified?
There is a song that I love and have come to appreciate over the past year as Casey and I have struggled through infertility. "Blessed Be Your Name" is the song.
Just two weeks ago Celeste and I had a conversation about this song and we both agreed that this song was our theme song. On Tuesday, this theme song was then tested.
The song goes like this:
Blessed be Your name in the land that is plentiful Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name And blessed be Your name when I’m found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness Blessed be your name
Every blessing You pour out I’ll turn back to praise
And when the darkness closes in Lord Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be Your name when the sun’s shining down on me
When the world’s “all as it should be” Blessed be Your name
And blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering
Though there’s pain in the offering Blessed be Your name
You give and take away You give and take away
My heart will choose to say Lord, blessed be Your name
After receiving the news about Nathaniel through our routine sonogram, I was crying and talking to Celeste on Tuesday night. I questioned out loud if I could say "Blessed be the name of the Lord" now? I certainly could as we struggled through infertility, but now I wasn't sure. After praying continually for the past several days, I can say "Blessed be the name of the LORD!" He is holy and perfect and I want to walk in His will, no matter what. I trust that He will carry Casey and I as we take this journey. I love you very much! Angie"
As I read this email now, 2 years after it was written, I praise God for his peace and for His sovereignty. Only by the Holy Spirit could I have written such things after learning my baby had a fatal neural tube defect. That word "Anencephaly" rings in my ears. What is that? I'd never even heard that word before that day in October.
On Sunday during the video (about a Baby boy named Eliot who was not expected to live very long at all and ended up living 99 days) I mourned my loss of Nathaniel. I also wished that I could have had Nathaniel here longer than 1 and a half hours. Three hours, eight hours or a full 24 hours, wow! What an experience that would have been. I wish we could have gotten a picture of Gabriel and Nathaniel together while he was alive. Watching a video like that brings back so many feelings and reminds me of my loss. I often look at Gabriel and wonder what Nathaniel would be doing or how they would play together. What would his personality be like? What would his body shape be? Gabe has short skinny legs and a long torso? Would Nate have been more stout and round? What would his voice sound like? How would they talk to one another?
Gabe loves trucks and motorcycles. Would he like the same things Gabriel does?
During the video I was of course sobbing but was surprised by my dad's and Casey's reaction. I guess men don't cry often so when they have a reason to, then it really comes. Then singing our theme song after the video. Wow! It reminded me of singing that song at service during my pregnancy. Casey and I would always cry during it. And it also reminded me of us playing that song during Nathaniel's funeral. They also posted a scripture that was read at his funeral. ...the Lord giveth and the Lord hath taken away. Blessed be the Name of the Lord. Job 1:21
Thank you God for your sovereignty. Your ways are not our ways, but your ways are perfect!
My precious boy Nate. :)
