Happy Halloween!

I finally took Gabriel to get his Halloween pictures. My original plan was to get 18 month pictures, but then I thought I'd kill 2 birds with one stone and wait a little bit to get him in his Halloween costume. I wanted to get out of a portrait studio with the least expensive package/pictures since we will be taking family/Christmas pictures in the next month. I chose to go to Portrait Innovations. They have a special where if you choose one pose you get a good size package for just $9.95. Of course they get you in there with the $9.95 lure and then take about 50 poses. :)

So here's how it went getting Gabriel's picture taken. I decided to take him after school on Thursday so he would have already taken his nap. Good idea, right? We get there and have to wait a few minutes, no big deal. I change him into his lion costume and we are ready to take our cute Halloween pictures. He's not being super cooperative at first but is doing okay, probably got a few good shots. Well it was down hill from there. They had a miniature motorcycle prop tucked away in the back corner.

Have I ever mentioned there are 2 things that Gabriel LOVES? The Moon and Motorcycles. Okay, just to detour for a minute. This love of motorcycles is my fault I'm afraid. He's always liked things that make noise like trucks and cars and motorcycles. But I made the mistake of buying a book called something like "The History of Motorcycles." I was at Half Price Books and wanted to get him a book and ran across this book that had lots of colorful pictures. He loved it and just kept flipping through it and pointing to all the pictures and saying, "kike." So cute. How can I not buy this book for him? And it was only $2. Hello?! We were taking this book home. So anyhow, back to the pictures.

He sees this motorcycle prop and immediately starts pointing in that direction, (facing away from the photographer) making motorcycle sounds and saying "kike, kike." As if I didn't see the bike, that would soon become mine and the photographer's nemesis. :)

He wouldn't look at the photographer no matter what we did. He wouldn't smile or anything. I said, "Can we bring the motorcycle out in front so maybe he'll at least look in your direction." Well it was really down hill from there. At this point we were able to get him on all fours to pose like a lion, but no real smiles. We change the background and me being the brilliant mommy that I am, decide to go out to the car to get his motorcycle book. Maybe that will distract him. He flips through the pages of the book and then decides he really just wants the real thing. "Hello, mom. There's a real motorcycle right there in front of me. Why would I want to look at pictures of one?" He starts to get really upset and then it turned into a melt down. He wants the "kike." He wants to be over by the bike and wants to touch it. Looking at it wasn't doing it for him. So finally, after mom's failed attempts at coercing him into taking pictures and threatening time out, the photographer suggests we take his picture on the bike. So we change Gabe into street clothes and get him on the bike. This was the first time we saw a true smile since we got there. Amazing!

Well I didn't get out of there with just Halloween pictures or for only $9.95. But I did get out of there with every picture they took on a CD. Which allows me to create a photo story of our photo shoot and post it here for you all to see.

I'm really pleased with the pictures and will definitely be going back to Portrait Innovations! You will notice that he's pointing to the "kike" behind him and then in front of him. So funny! I love him so much!

Nathaniel's Headstone

After the sermon Sunday, I told Casey we should go to Greenwood and order Nate's headstone. We were inspired and ready to finally make a decision. Don't ask why it's taken us 19 months. At first I wanted it to be perfect. I had this idea to have a picture of Casey holding his feet etched on a marble slab. After discussing this with Greenwood over several months, the lady who was helping us left the company and someone else told us it couldn't be done. So then I sat on it for several more months. Anyhow, all my excuses aren't sufficient but it is finally ordered and I have complete peace about what we chose. We read Job 1:21 at Nate's funeral and we had that verse put on his headstone. For whatever reason, when I was trying to decide what to put on his headstone over the past 18 months, that particular verse did not come to mind. Anyhow it is done and I am so happy! Hopefully it will be here before Christmas!

Our Sovereign God

The sermon on Sunday was a very good one. For those of you who don't attend my church, it was about God's sovereignty. Miss Patty was kind enough to warn us about the video, saying that she thought we might not want to watch it. Before the service I was searching for tissue, knowing that I would need it. (I just now recalled that I used to carry the travel packs of tissue with me everywhere I went. Hmm. I had forgotten that).
Sometimes it is comforting that God is in control, but certainly when we learned of Nathaniel's condition at 12 weeks in our pregnancy and after his death, I often questioned God's will and why my child couldn't survive or why a miracle wasn't chosen for Nathaniel. I really wrestled with God and my faith in the months leading up to and after the birth of my boys and subsequent death of Nathaniel. It hurt so much. Why would God allow this to happen to us? Did we do something to deserve this? Did we not pray hard or long enough for a miracle?
Shortly after learning of Nathaniel's condition I sent the following email to my family:

"From: Moore Angie-CAM096
Sent: Monday, October 10, 2005 4:47 PM
To: 'Steve Smith'; 'Mom at Home'Cc: 'Lauren E Smith'; Stephanie Cruson; Moore Casey-CCM041; Home Email Subject: Babies

Thanks for going and praying with Casey and I after church yesterday. We really appreciate all of your love, support, and prayers.
After praying yesterday and thinking more about it, God has granted me some well-needed peace in this situation. Some things I remembered as I reflected on what Winston said in the prayer room and other things I have learned about God through my walk with Him since I was 19 or 20: God is in control of everything. He has the power to "authorize" or "forbid" this type of trial to pass over us. Nothing happens without His complete knowledge.
Knowing all of this, I started to question; If I could snap my fingers today and change this baby's condition, if I knew that I would be going against God's will, would I do it? As hard as it is to say, I don't believe I would. God's way's are perfect. He has no blemish. He knows what is best for this baby, for Casey, myself and our other baby, as well as all the people around us that love us and our babies.
So as much as it hurts, I can live with the outcome. I will continue to pray for complete healing and that the lesson God wanted all of us to learn from this situation will be learned. But if that is not God's will and this baby is to remain with this condition I will pray for God's perfect and holy will and most of all for His comfort. There are many, many people praying for us and our precious angel. Which also means there are lots of people watching to see how we handle this situation. Will God be glorified?
There is a song that I love and have come to appreciate over the past year as Casey and I have struggled through infertility. "Blessed Be Your Name" is the song.
Just two weeks ago Celeste and I had a conversation about this song and we both agreed that this song was our theme song. On Tuesday, this theme song was then tested.
The song goes like this:
Blessed be Your name in the land that is plentiful Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name And blessed be Your name when I’m found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness Blessed be your name
Every blessing You pour out I’ll turn back to praise
And when the darkness closes in Lord Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be Your name when the sun’s shining down on me
When the world’s “all as it should be” Blessed be Your name
And blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering
Though there’s pain in the offering Blessed be Your name
You give and take away You give and take away
My heart will choose to say Lord, blessed be Your name

After receiving the news about Nathaniel through our routine sonogram, I was crying and talking to Celeste on Tuesday night. I questioned out loud if I could say "Blessed be the name of the Lord" now? I certainly could as we struggled through infertility, but now I wasn't sure. After praying continually for the past several days, I can say "Blessed be the name of the LORD!" He is holy and perfect and I want to walk in His will, no matter what. I trust that He will carry Casey and I as we take this journey. I love you very much! Angie"

As I read this email now, 2 years after it was written, I praise God for his peace and for His sovereignty. Only by the Holy Spirit could I have written such things after learning my baby had a fatal neural tube defect. That word "Anencephaly" rings in my ears. What is that? I'd never even heard that word before that day in October.
On Sunday during the video (about a Baby boy named Eliot who was not expected to live very long at all and ended up living 99 days) I mourned my loss of Nathaniel. I also wished that I could have had Nathaniel here longer than 1 and a half hours. Three hours, eight hours or a full 24 hours, wow! What an experience that would have been. I wish we could have gotten a picture of Gabriel and Nathaniel together while he was alive. Watching a video like that brings back so many feelings and reminds me of my loss. I often look at Gabriel and wonder what Nathaniel would be doing or how they would play together. What would his personality be like? What would his body shape be? Gabe has short skinny legs and a long torso? Would Nate have been more stout and round? What would his voice sound like? How would they talk to one another?
Gabe loves trucks and motorcycles. Would he like the same things Gabriel does?

During the video I was of course sobbing but was surprised by my dad's and Casey's reaction. I guess men don't cry often so when they have a reason to, then it really comes. Then singing our theme song after the video. Wow! It reminded me of singing that song at service during my pregnancy. Casey and I would always cry during it. And it also reminded me of us playing that song during Nathaniel's funeral. They also posted a scripture that was read at his funeral. ...the Lord giveth and the Lord hath taken away. Blessed be the Name of the Lord. Job 1:21

Thank you God for your sovereignty. Your ways are not our ways, but your ways are perfect!

My precious boy Nate. :)

Cousin Abby's B-day Party

We went to our nieces 4 year old B-day party this past weekend. Children AND adults were required to dress up. We decided to go as a Theme. :)

Playdate!

My friend from high school was in town last Friday and we had a playdate!!! It's so much fun to see our kids play together. Her youngest is going to be 2 at the end of Nov. and her oldest will be 5 in Feb.

Gabriel is almost 19 months!

Wow! I just cannot believe he is almost 19 months old!
Although, some days he acts like he's 2...terrible 2 that is!

The other morning I realized I had not taken pics. of him in a while so I got the camera out. He loves football and so I asked what a touchdown was.


He's so precious to me! I love being a stay at home mommy!

Blogging finally!

I opened this blog account in May of 2005. For some reason I never posted anything, even though we had lots of things to post that year. I will pretend it is 2005, to chronicle our journey in the blogger's world. That was my intent originally but I just never did. I have several friends who have been blogging a while and have pictures of their babies from the time they were born. I'm so jealous. Why did I wait? Well here it goes...oh and by the way I am starting in 1999 because that is when the journey begins.