I've gotten way behind

Wednesday, May 28, 2008
I'm going to start updating this blog in the next few days. I've gone a full month without an update...yikes! Gabe turned 26 months this past week. He is talking a lot and MOST of it we can understand. But then there are those times where he'll say several sentences in a row and Casey and I look at each other and smile and then say, "Really, Gabe? That's very interesting!"



He is so precious!



I am 27 weeks and realized today we have not taken any pregnancy pictures of me. Oops. I guess that's what happens with the 2nd pregnancy. I couldn't tell you how many pictures we took with the boys. I think it was every other week. :)

Help me reach my goal! Sponsor Me at March for Babies!

It's a .....

Ok. So I was wrong. I thought for sure it was a girl but it's a Boy!! There was no question. :)

Now we have to come up with a boy name. He's the cutest little baby I've ever seen! He looked really good and healthy! I'll post pictures later.

Happy 2nd Birthday to My Boys!

The boys turned 2 today...Easter Sunday! I have a precious 2 year old boy in heaven and a busy toddler here with me. We celebrated Gabe's b-day on Saturday. We had a party here at the house and rented a jump house. I think it was a big hit!
When the jump house arrived Gabe kept looking out the window and saying "dump" and then pointing to himself. "Es, Es, Es!" He had lots of friends and family come to celebrate his birthday with him. He loves Bob the Builder and any construction trucks so we had a Tonka party. All week when asked what he was getting for his birthday he would say, "cupcake." So I ordered a 24 cupcake "cake" from a local store with a construction scene. My dad went to pick it up for us and they could not find our order. Well that's because they were looking for cupcakes. So instead of a cupcake "cake" we got a real cake (The cake was cute given it wasn't what we ordered.) but it was only a 1/4 sheet, which serves 15 people max. We had about 30 people here. The store did give us the cake for free and some extra cupcakes so it worked out. They even put a cupcake on top of the cake. So Gabe got his cupcake afterall.
I think that's the first time we ever finished off an entire cake. I hope everyone got a piece. :)

He had so much fun playing with his friends! He even kissed his friend Ellie when she was leaving. So sweet!
And Gabe got lots of presents. Last year I copied my friend Leilanni and decided to ask people to not bring gifts. At that time Gabe had plenty of toys and really didn't need anything. Well, I caught a lot of flack for that last year and since he is older and understands more about what is going on I decided I wouldn't "deprive" him. Well boy did he get presents! Oh MY! Lots and Lots of gifts.

Well 2 is a big one...but I guess they all are! He has grown so much just in the last 2 weeks even! Everyday he shocks me with a new discovery, word or funny thing he does! He jabbers a lot while he's playing on his own and seems to always have a smile on his face.
We have tried to teach him to pray before every meal and so now he even reminds me sometimes. We'll be sitting there and he'll put his hands together and say, "pwaaayy?" My parents, Nana and Papo kept him last Friday for a little bit so I could get some birthday shopping done and they said when they sat down for lunch he reminded them to pray and then 4 more times while they were eating wanted to pray again. :) So sweet!

Casey and I can't believe it has been 2 years since our boys came into this world and one of them ascended to heaven. When we think back to that day and the week to follow it seems so surreal. I will never forget Casey sitting next to me and holding Nathaniel while they delivered Gabriel. I remember seeing tears in his eyes and a look on his face of overwhelment...not just of being a daddy for the first time, holding his child for the first time, but also grief that this child would not be here with us for very long. He was trying to take it all in. And then the doctors came over with Gabriel and told us to kiss him before they took him to the NICU. That was the last time the boys were together alive. There are no pictures of them together outside of the womb. I'm slowly getting over that.
Casey is such a good daddy. He slept hardly at all those next few days in the hospital. We kept Nathaniel all night and placed him in a bassinett the next morning and watched as a nurse rolled him away. While Casey wanted to be there with me to support me in my overwhelming grief, he wanted to be with Gabe in the NICU worse. And I wanted him there with Gabriel. So he spent hours on end in the NICU and then would come back and tell me about him. He really encouraged me to go up to see Gabe with him. It wasn't that I didn't want to but I was having a hard time recovering from my C-section and the pain medicine they were giving me was making me sick. But when I did finally get up there the evening after the boys were born it was the most precious moment. This child, though he did not know it, would provide Casey and I with a reason to get up every day and provide us with the most incredible sense of appreciation of life and of our Father in heaven. That amidst the most painful experience of our entire lives, it would also be the most joyous. March 23, 2006...the best and worst day of our lives. Thank you, Lord for providing us with the most precious boys in the world! I know they are not ours, but Yours and I pray I am a good steward of this blessing of motherhood you have bestowed upon me.

Singing in the Rain!...well just playing actually.

It was raining today if you hadn't noticed. When Case got home we decided to get our rain gear on and play in the front yard. He didn't mind standing in the rain which I was surprised, after his reaction to the snow...and by the way it is almost midnight and it is still raining. But here are some cute pics. of Gabe playing in the rain. Case has showed him how to pick the berries off of our bushes (don't ask me why). :) Hopefully he'll also teach him not to eat them.

Easter Eggstravaganza

The Highschool down the street had an Easter Egg Hunt on Saturday. They also had jumphouses and a REAL Helicopter. WOW! We had such a fun day! Gabe likes planes and helicopters but did not want to touch a real helicopter. He just kept staring at it but didn't want us to get too close.

Snow Day

It snowed in Texas! Can you say, Shut Up? Oh my goodness. This reminded me so much of our winters in Chicago! I always used to LOVE the very first snowfall! It's so pure, white and beautiful. Of course in Chicago it would just keep snowing and would be cold for what felt like forever.
We had so much fun playing in the snow! Casey and I had a snowball fight while Gabe watched. Gabe did not like the snow...at least not enough to get in the snow. He would not touch it or walk in it, even though he had shoes, double socks and double pants on. (we fully anticipated rolling around in the snow, hence all the double layers).

But ever since it snowed he looks on the ground (no matter where we are) and says "noh." It took me a bit at first to figure this out but he holds his hands out to his sides palms up as if asking a question and says, "noh?" I finally said, "Oh the snow." "Jes." "All the snow melted." This is not a concept that 2 year olds understand because he is still asking about the "noh" and it has been a week now. :)

I just love that little boy. Lord, how could you have blessed me with such a sweet, bright, precious little boy? I'm so humble by the calling to be this little boy's mother. Thank you, Jesus!

Me and Gabe took our cat Harpo to the vet today because he had an ear hematoma. Basically his ear had bubbled up into a huge blood-filled blister (it looked like a sopapilla). :)

Anyhow, the vet had me carry him back and Gabe was so good and just stood quietly by me as I carried Harpo and placed him on the scale and then into the cage. As we were going to leave him for the day so they could do a minor operation to fix his ear, Gabe stood in the lobby and said, "Harpo." (I should interject here and say that anytime Gabe is asking whether he will be able to go do something he puts his hand over his heart and sort of grunts). For example if he points to a plane he'll say, "pane" and I'll repeat it and say, "yes that's a plane." And he'll put his hand over his heart and say, "uhh?" And I'll say, "Does Gabe want to go on a plane?" "Jes."

So we are in the lobby at the Vet's office and I said let's go, Gabe. He said, "Harpo?" I said, "Yes, Harpo is going to stay here and we are going to leave to go to bible study." He put his hand over his heart and said, "uhhh?" "No, sweetie, Gabe is not going to stay. We are going to bible study and Harpo is staying here. We'll come back in a little bit to pick him up." Tears welled up in his eyes and he started to cry, "Harpo." It was so sweet. He did not want to leave his kitty there. He was really upset. I had to get down and talk to him for about a minute before we could leave. He's so tender-hearted.

Picture of beautiful baby

We went to the doctor this morning and the baby is PERFECT! When I saw the perfectly round head, tears streamed down my cheeks. Thank you, Lord for such a miracle!! 12 week sonogram.

Tomorrow is the day we've been waiting for.

We are 12 weeks pregnant and visiting the Doctor at 9:30 tomorrow morning. I've felt an immense amount of peace and feel good about everything, but am anxious to see the baby tomorrow. Somehow I just feel prepared no matter what happens. I will post more tomorrow once we've seen the doctor. Thank you to my sweet friend that called to check on me today. I appreciate you so much!

Music has always been a big part of my life. Casey laughs at me because I can sing words to songs from the 70s that he's never heard. When I was growing up my parents would have their radio alarm wake them up to 103.7 KVIL. This was the easy listening station in DFW at the time.
But I am a recorder. Once I hear a song I start to sing it over and over again, and most the time I don't even realize I'm doing this. Casey likes to play tricks on me sometimes and will start singing a song ON PURPOSE...and he'll wait to see if I start singing it. I fall for it everytime! :)
It's really cruel because he always seems to choose one of my least favorite wiggles songs or he'll start singing the theme to Bob the Builder.

Anyhow I said all that to sort of explain how music effects me. This is proably the same for everyone, but when I listen to music I make very stron associations with memories and stages of my life. I can hear a song that I listened to back in Highschool and it will illicit all sorts of memories from that time. "Nothing Compares to You" by Sinead O'Connor takes me back to highschool and me and my 2 bf Tam and Jen belting it out as we drove around. "Life means So Much" by Chris Rice takes me to a specific time of running on Lake Michigan in 2003 right after we found out about Casey's cancer. I ran and cried the whole way listening to that song and felt so alone. At the time that we found out Casey told me he didn't want us to tell anyone. (Of course that only lasted about a day after I later confessed to him that I had told my parents).
The same thing happened to me the other day. A sweet friend from Chicago sent me a Lullaby CD as a pregnancy congrats present. We decided to play it at bedtime to see if we could get Gabe to go to bed easier. "Brahm's lullaby" came on and I began to sob. It took me back to April of 2006 when I would rock Gabe in our room as we lsitened to a similar CD with this same song on it. I would rock him and cry, grieving for Nate. It's so amazing to me how our brains work. It has probably been at least a year and a half since I heard that song. And it immediately took me back.

Gabe loves music too and it's so precious to see him enjoy it at his age. A lot of the time, I listen to The Word or other Christian talk radio. But occassionally I'll put a CD in of Chris Rice or The Beatles. He starts to clap everytime!

The struggle with food

I do not want to make it a struggle, but sometimes he won't eat anything. So tonight we had chicken pot pie and he actually took a couple of bites but that was it. So he kept asking for a "cook" and we said no cookie until you have this last bite of chicken. He was coloring at the table because that was the only way we could keep him seated. I said, "Gabe, you cannot have a cookie unless you eat this one bite, do you understand?" He looked at me and took a bite of his crayon. I could not help but laugh. He of course proceeded to spit it out immediately.
He really is a pretty good eater. He just won't try certain things. Some foods he loves:
Guacamole from pretty much anywhere but began eating guac from Chipotle.
apples (not the peel)
oranges (but sucks on them and spits out the fleshy part)
loves mixed nuts (go figure...this seems strange to me)
raisins
grapes
pudding snacks
any kind of juice...apple, mixed Dole juices etc.
Silk soy milk
cookies (but who doesn't)
mashed potatoes
steak sometimes
chicken sometimes
any kind of bread
goldfish crackers
fruit abu snacks
any kind of snacks
there's probably more but now I'm tired. :)

It's funny how he has selective hearing. All in the same sitting he had gotten up from the table and was climbing on the couch, pulling a clean comforter off the couch...etc... Casey and I were snickering at the fact that we knew he could hear us but chose to ignore us. "Gabriel, come and sit down and have one more bite. Come and sit down, please." I whispered to Case that if we said "do you want to watch the wiggles?" he would acknowledge we were speaking to him. Casey decided to test this theory. Of course, Gabe said, "jes." hee hee. That was cruel on our part because we were not turning the wiggles on.
He's just so darn cute!
He's saying so many words. He can count to four but he skips number one. "too, tee, poh" So adorable. Being pregnant gives me a very short-term memory so I need to start jotting the words down when he says them. I can't think of them now.

This picture is after Gabe ate a ring pop. :)

Must see this Video

I don't watch Oprah but my friend sent me the link to this video. Amazing! You must watch this. A very good reminder of what is really important in life.

http://video.stumbleupon.com/?s=ithct48cqw&i=ufcchmyxqsuj9vwsemax

Gabe is learning more words

Well I've posted a lot lately without pictures because our still camera is not working. We've instead taken lots of video and I intend on posting some footage soon. (Don't hold your breath, though cause it might be a while). :)
Gabe has learned the word obey. I was putting him to bed, which is out of the norm. Casey had gone to meet some of our friends from Colorado for dinner and I was putting Gabe to bed tonight. I'm not a bad mother I promise. We got into this routine a long time ago as a way for Casey to be able to spend time with Gabe in the evening. And now we've figured out that towards the end of the "night, night" routine I cannot be in his room or it is MUCH harder to get him to sleep without a lot of crying. He just will not let me leave. But when Casey puts him down, he goes to sleep peacefully right after he says "Ameen." He obviously has learned to manipulate me. But tonight I had no choice. We went through the whole routine and he said "Ameen" at the end of our prayer. By the way I want to jump in here and mention something so sweet! When we are about to pray we ask Gabe who he wants to pray for. It's always Mama and Dada first and then "Ab" and "Em", his 2 cousins. Abby is his favorite right now. She is 4 so they play together very well. Anyhow, he said "Ameen" and I said "night, night. Go to sleep." Well to make a long story short, he did not let me leave and was in and out of his bed." Finally I said, "You are going to time out if you get out of your bed again." SO to time-out we went. And I asked at the end if he was going to obey mommy and stay in his bed. He said "bey, bed" and kept repeating it. He would start to get out of his bed and I'd say, "You are not obeying mommy." And he would jump back in and lay his head down and say, "bey." It took everything I had to not laugh out loud. Well after being up there for an hour I finally laid in his toddler bed to keep him from getting out and we both fell asleep. Ahh, the joys of motherhood. I love being a mommy!

Missing Nate

I've been very weepy and missing Nathaniel a lot in the last several weeks. To be honest since we found out we were pregnant. Why does that make me miss him? I haven't thought about that question a lot and maybe I'd come up with a good explanation, but right now I just miss him and cry often about it. I'm amazed at this miracle God has given us, but then question why he couldn't have given us the miracle of healing for Nate. Why do I even go there? Questioning God's sovereignty is really getting old for me.

Politics

Here's an interesting web site where you can see how your political views compare with the candidates. Pretty interesting! http://www.electoralcompass.com/

9 Weeks pregnant

We are now 9 weeks pregnant and I still can't believe it! Sometimes during the day I'll have this thought, "Wow, I'm pregnant." It feels as if I had forgotten for a little bit. I think I'm having these thoughts and feelings now because all my pregnancy symptoms have subsided. I feel better than I've felt in a very long time! I've started walking/jogging which makes me feel better physically and mentally. I joked with Casey during the 1st pregnancy that I was born to be pregnant. :)

Gabe is growing up

He is just so darn cute! He can say "Yes" which is "es" which is the sweetest. He also says please which comes out "peas." And when Casey was putting him to bed the other night he asked Gabe to sing with him. Casey began singing the "Big Red Car" song by the Wiggles. One of the verses goes, "Beep, Beep, Chug, chug, Big Red Car." Gabe started singing "Beep, Beep." So cute! It's amazing how much they know at this age. I am the proudest mommy on the planet.

Mom's worry

I just heard the other day that Green Tea blocks folate absorption. I read this on my anencephaly support web site that I try to read once a week or so. I have not done my own research but was very saddened when I read this.
I started drinking green tea back in the beginning of December. I have to ashamedly admit that I had not been taking my 4 mg of folic acid, however I was taking a B vitamin. Of course it's natural for fear to creep in because I always wonder what if anything I could have done differently with my first pregnancy. Which in my heart I realize is ridiculous because God allowed Nathaniel to die and that was God's plan for our lives. He was my special baby boy who avoided all the pain and hurt of this life and went straight to heaven to be with Jesus, which is where we all hope to go someday. My dad said it perfectly in his eulogy of Nathaniel, "Nathaniel lived a virtually perfect life. He spent 8 months next to his twin brother Gabriel and then was welcomed into this world briefly by his loving parents, grandparents, and friends. He then went to heaven where he will never suffer from sin or hurt."
All that to say that I think as a mom it's my natural tendency to worry. But then my worry is magnified because of the experience we had in our first pregnancy. Our doctor has agreed to do a sonogram at our 12 week appointment so we can make sure everything is ok. (Nathaniel was diagnosed at 12 weeks).

Pregnancy Symptoms and Other Happenings

Well I am definitely feeling pregnant. For the past 3 weeks I have struggled with nausea and being very tired! I mean super tired!! Recently my symptoms have changed a little. Now in the morning I feel great! I don't feel nauseous and am full of energy. But then by the afternoon I feel very tired, dizzy and a little nauseous. The main symptom here that is very different from my first pregnancy with the boys is the dizziness! I feel like I'm going to pass out. Very strange. And by this time in my last pregnancy my symptoms had subsided, although I did take a nap daily.
So I'm guessing it's a girl. hee hee :)
And we already have a name picked out if it is a girl (we picked out the name while living in Chicago).

Chuck E. Cheeses

We took Gabe to Chuck E. Cheese's over on the west side tonight. My dad "Papo" brought cousin Em and Ab to join us. They all had a lot of fun, even Casey! :)

Here they are doing the Hokey Pokey. After the song the staff threw tickets up in the air, so they gathered up lots of tickets for a neat prize at the end.

Good News!

We are pregnant! I've been waiting to post this great news so I could speak to some people in person, but I couldn't wait any longer to make this announcement!
We are in awe of God's blessing! We were told back in August that due to results of some tests we would still have to go through IVF because we could not get pregnant naturally. We were going to start IVF in October but at that time found out we had additional fertility insurance coverage starting in January. We were planning on starting IVF in the next couple of months.
We are currently 6 weeks pregnant! It still has not sunk in. So this is what it feels like to get pregnant naturally. You are a week late and you take a pregnancy test and it's positive?? What? What happened to the month and a half of grueling shots and endless doctor appointments? Thank you Lord for such a blessing!

God knows all things and is incredibly sovereign! When we did our first IVF cycle I was so disappointed that we did not have any embryos to freeze. But I also knew that if we did have frozen "babies" we would absolutely have to give each of them a chance at life. God knew full well the outcome and now I am praising Him that we don't have frozen "babies." Amazing!

Out to Dinner

I decided that it would be fun if tonight we took Gabe to the Rainforest Cafe. Maybe not such a good idea. By the time Case got home, we got there about 6:30. Gabe was so tired that he ended up falling asleep at the table. He was also scared of the roaring lions. We'll have to try again another time.

New Year's Resolutions

Here are mine for 2008
1. Be more organized
2. Lose those last 20 pounds...or maybe 30. :)
3. Be the best mommy in the world!
4. Be the best wife in the world!
5. To be finished Christmas shopping by Dec. 15th!
6. To complete some 5Ks and a couple of 10Ks.
7. I resolve to Get in shape, stay in shape and get pregnant....that's an oxymoron I think. :)

I love the new year! I always feel that renewed sense of energy to tackle new projects and old ones for that matter. I love Christmas but it always is so stressful, and every year I vow to not be out shopping on Christmas Eve but end up shopping on Christmas Eve. 2007 was no exception!

Biggest Loser

I have entered the Biggest Loser contest...of Heritage. Our neighborhood is having a Biggest Loser contest. Everyone who enters pays $10 and then the winner, 2nd and 3rd place get a % of the kitty. I need something to motvate me so I'm going to be the Biggest Loser. :) Our first weigh-in is Sunday, Jan. 6th.

Amazing Love

These past several weeks have been to my surprise fairly difficult. I have been surprised by the grief over Nathaniel that I experienced. The first time it really came out of nowhere was a few days before Christmas. I walked into Garden Ridge in Hulen and began to cry. What?? Where did this come from?? Very bizarre. I called Casey and he reminded me that I was the Mommy so of course I would be sad. And he also reminded me that we found out that we were pregnant while we were in Garden Ridge. I had completely forgotten that. Perhaps that was it. I'm still not sure what it was.
Yesterday evening I was sitting checking email and watching TV after Gabe went to sleep and received an email from a new friend that completely overwhelmed me. It reminded me once again that God is sovereign and cares even about me and all the little things going on in my life. This friend offered to help make a scrapbook for Nathaniel. Wow. I sobbed as I read her email because I couldn't believe how incredibly amazing God is. The email came at the perfect time. I'm simply amazed right now. I can't even put into words the feeling I have. I'm grateful, in awe, amazed. It reminds me of the song, "Amazing Love." I cry everytime I sing it at church. It describes better than I ever could my amazement and awe of His Glory and Love!
Amazing Love, How can it be.

"Kike"-filled Christmas!

Santa came to our house and boy was it fun! This was the first Christmas that Gabe actually knew what was going on. He asked Santa for a "Kike" and a "choo choo," and Santa delivered! Gabe received 2 bikes from Santa, one is a motorized motorcycle and the other is a Schwinn trike. He also received a hot wheels-type trike from Mimzi and Grandpa that makes motorcycle sounds! 3 "Kikes"...Wow! Santa also brought a train table and a little train set, a tractor playset, a pair of shoes and a couple of DVDs, one is the Wiggles, which puts Gabe in a trance! hee hee.

The minute he saw the motorcycle from the top of the stairs, he said, "KIKE!" And now when you ask him what Santa brought he says, "kike, choo choo."
Santa brought mommy a salad spinner, a tea pot, workout clothes and a telescope. We saw the full moon through the telescope the other night and it was amazing!!!

Meeting Santa Claus

We went and saw Santa Claus last week. I was determined that I would take him this year. Last year he did not go and I've lamented about it all year long.
He was such a good boy as we waited in line for Santa. Of course mommy wasn't thinking clearly, because we got in line right about 11:30...lunch time. I normally always have some sort of snack in his diaper bag, whether it's goldfish or a Fruitabu, and I always have a drink for him. Well not on this day. He was hungry the whole way through the line and got ancy towards the end. He was pointing to his mouth and whining. He then spotted a boy in a stroller behind us and the boy had an unpeeled banana sitting in the tray in front of him. Gabriel walked up and pointed to it and almost grabbed it. I quickly picked him up and apologized to the mom and said, "sorry, he's hungry." I truly just said this to justify his actions. But the mom gave him half of the banana. That was really generous and sweet of the lady. Gabe gobbled that banana up so fast. And then it was time to meet Santa. We waited in line for about 30 minutes. I wasn't sure what to expect. Casey and I had been talking a lot about Santa the past week and pointing him out whenever we could. He then started pointing to Santa and saying "anna." Mom replies, "Yes, that's Santa."
He actually walked up to Santa and only hesitated a little. He sat in his lap and just leaned his head away from Santa's head. I think he didn't like the beard so much. He was so cute, though. No tears and just as brave as he could be. As we were walking away, I said, "Ok Santa, Please bring us a bike and a train." So we've been talking this train and bike thing up pretty good. And now when we ask Gabe what Santa's going to bring he says, "kike" "choo choo." I cannot wait for Santa Claus to come to our house. Christmas was always such a big deal at my house. I found out the Secret of Santa in 4th grade but we always continued to do Christmas the same and then of course, Lauren was born so Santa always came to our house!!!
But now that I'm older and trying to establish new traditions for my family, I question how much emphasis I really want to place on Santa. It's hard to not just do what you grew up with, especially since it was such a good experience. But I do want Gabe to understand what Christmas is really all about. So we talk about this a lot. My sister and I plan on baking a cake on Christmas day and singing Happy Birthday to Jesus. This makes so much sense to me now. I remember hearing about someone doing this before and thinking it sounded strange. (Don't ask me why). I mean this will really speak the children's language because they understand birthdays! I tell Gabe that on Christmas it will be Jesus' birthday and we will sing...and I proceed to sing the song. He seems to love the Birthday song and always gets really calm and quiet when I sing it. He's so precious.

Casey just recently taught him how to give eskimo kisses. So adorable! That's all for now.

Gabe

Ok. I know I'm partial but Gabriel is the cutest thing. He had RSV last week and ended up with an ear infection mid-week. Needless to say it was not a fun week, but I told Casey it was the best time of my life? Why? Because Gabriel slept with us for the 1st time since he was an infant (Casey has never let him sleep on the bed but when he was teeny, tiny he would sleep on top of my chest)!!! He slept in between us this time and I would wake up with him snuggled up against me. Or he would crawl on top of me and fall back asleep. Oh my goodness, my heart melted! He's so precious. And funny! He takes his diaper off any chance he gets. And he loves to take showers with Daddy and Mommy (separately of course). Ok probably too much information for the public, but this is for posterity's sake. He brings in his rubber ducky and a cup and has the best time in the shower. If one of us is already in the shower, he'll walk up to the door and knock on it and then try to take off his shirt and unfasten his diaper. So cute!
And since he's been sick he has become a super momma's boy! He will hardly have anything to do with Casey and comes up and kisses me several times during the day.

I could go on and on! I am just praising the Lord for the time I have with him and for allowing me to be a stay-at-home mommy.

Online Mystery Hostess Party - Win an 8 Day/ 7 Night Getaway!

Hello everyone!
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Click Here to start Shopping!!

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Also I’m raffling off an 8 Day/ 7 Night trip and a 3 Day/ 2 Night trip. I'm so excited for one of you to win this fabulous getaway!!

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Many Blessings!
Angie
817-741-4795
www.marykay.com/acmoore

Gabe's first haircut

WGabe had his first haircut today! We had big plans to get Christmas pictures taken with all the cousins and with our family so he really needed his haircut. He sat so still and was such a big boy! We decided to keep the back for now since he still has cute little baby curls.

Colorado Trip!!

We finally went to visit our good friends Shad and Cheryl in Fort Collins! We wanted to go over the summer but it never worked out so we went the 1st weekend in December. It was so much fun to spend time with them. (Casey and Shad are like brothers since they met in college and are both only children). One of the highlights of my trip was going to the Coach outlet! I bought myself a purse and 2 others to resell. Gabe loved seeing "Uncle" Shad and "Aunt" Cheryl. We went to dinner at this neat little place and Gabe was able to occupy himself playing on the floor next to the table so we actually had some conversation! We walked around downtown Fort Collins before dinner and went to this really neat toy store. This is where we decided that Gabe needs a train table from Santa. We had to drag him away fom the table they had setup there. We went to our favorite breakfast place in Fort Collins, Lorraine's. It is New Orleans style fare, and is sooooo delicious!
And "Grandma" Sheila, Shad's mom bought Gabriel a really neat airplane (Shad is a pilot) and a book. He learned a new word once he got the toy airplane. It came with a couple of passengers with little suitcases and he picked one of the suitcsaes up and said "bag." And then he walked over to where Cheryl had her purse hanging and he pointed to it and the toy bag making the association, and said "bag." It was so precious. He did this several times during the weekend! He was fascinated with Shad's mountain bike. And right before we left for the airport Shad brought out the "big guns" and showed Gabriel his BMW motorcycle. Boy, Casey and I are in trouble once Gabe can start asking for people. I think Uncle Shad will be one of his favorite people. :) Hello, he has a REAL "KIKE".
Shad and Cheryl were introduced to the Wiggles over the weekend! We were all able to sing "In the Big Red Car" word for word by the end of the trip.
All in all it was a great trip and too short. We will definitely be going back, hopefully soon! I love Colorado and Fort Collins, especially!

A new post finally!

It's been a long time since I've posted! Where has all the time gone?
In November, my best friend came to visit and Gabe played with her little girl. (Is it too early for an arranged marriage?) She has the same last name so it's really convenient. :)
Here they are together!

We had a very busy November.

Lots of pictures from November and a short re-cap.

Gabe had his first sleepover with his 2 cousins, Emily and Abby. They took a bath together which was so sweet. Those girls love Gabriel and take such good care of him. :)

We had several Thanksgiving dinners. We started on Sunday before Thanksgiving and finished up on the Saturday after Thanksgiving. Sunday we ate with my maternal Grandmother and mom's sister's family. On Thanksgiving day we had brunch with my family and hosted dinner with Casey's parents. On Saturday we headed up to Ardmore to visit with my paternal grandmother and all of my cousins. Lots of eating and a few extra pounds later, we managed to see the entire family, except for a few cousins.

This is cute!

More fall Festivities

Ok. I got WAY behind on posting pictures of our fall festivities. The camera was confiscated by my husband for work purposes. :)

Here's a picture of the Praise and Worship that parents were invited to at Gabe's school. He was really enthused as you can tell. He never danced or smiled. He just kept staring at me. Next time I'm going to hide.



The others are in a slide show of a Halloween party with our small group and the Pumpkin Patch with our neighborhood playgroup.

Insights

A friend wrote a post very openly about something she had struggled with and while there is a level of fear at putting yourself out there, I feel compelled to open up and share some of the things I have struggled with in the hopes that it will help someone else.

Back in February, I told Motorola that I was quitting. After hearing from the Lord that I needed to be at home with Gabriel back in November (I was a little slow at being obedient), I gave my notice and my last day was February 28th. So this was a big change. And March came around and I found myself very depressed. The year anniversary weighed heavy on my mind and the more the days passed and the date came closer, the more depressed I became. Which made me sad on multiple levels. The date I was dreading also happened to be Gabriel's birthday. It wasn't fair! Why couldn't it have been a different day. But it really didn't matter. I was depressed all of March and began crying everyday at the end of March and early April. At that point I knew I needed help. I didn't want to feel this way anymore. I wanted to be happy but knew I couldn't "snap out of it." I scheduled an appointment with a Christian Counselor and my physician. I went in and told them that I thought I was depressed.
They gave me a test to see if I was depressed and how depressed I was. I tested moderately depressed at the time. When the physician came in to talk to me, I began to cry and told her I didn't want to feel this way. I don't want to cry everyday. I had resisted taking medication always and forever. Not that I ever needed it before. ha ha :) (At one point when we were struggling with infertility and we kept experiencing delay after delay my mom suggested I get on some medication). I NEVER wanted to be on medication. I was not depressed.
Of course now looking back, I was probably mildly depressed and could have benefited from medication. My thought at the time was that I had seen too many people "use meds. as a crutch and never get to the root of the emotional problem." I realize now how judgemental I have been. Lord, please forgive me for having such a critical spirit.
I minored in Psychology in college, so I have learned a lot about the physiology of the brain and depression etc... but I still didn't "get" it. Now don't get me wrong, I still do believe that counseling and medication should go hand in hand, and for some people this will help and they can eventually get off the medication. But for others it truly is a chemical imbalance and like with a diabetic and insulin, they will always need a medication to supplement the chemicals in the brain that control mood.
All of this to say that my doctor placed me on medication and I saw a counselor every week for a couple of months.
Depression is weird. I look back at the past year and a half where I can now see that I was CLEARLY depressed (with good reason, I know). But I didn't return people's phone calls, I would send emails and not copy everyone I intended to, I couldn't concentrate at work, I didn't have the energy to clean and keep up with the laundry. I was doing the bare minimum to get us all by. Working 40+ hours a week certainly wasn't helping. For all of those months I was able to mask my depression with just being tired from working and having an infant. I wish I would have gotten on medication earlier. I definitely needed a leg up to get out of my pit of depression. I would have never gotten out on my own. So now I'm still on medication and take it daily along with my thyroid medication. I don't view it much differently than that but am aware of the stigma associated with it in our society. I remember in college some sorority sisters talking about a girl that had to take prozac. They were not talking nicely about her and alluded to the fact that she was crazy.
Recently I learned that Chris Seidman was preaching at a church in the metroplex and I ran across the church web site. I was in the Singles class at RHCC when he was the Singles minister back around 1996-1998. I pulled up the list of sermons and ran across a series called "Baggage Claim." Wow! What a blessing this series has been to me. If you think you might be depressed you can take this test: http://www.med.nyu.edu/psych/screens/depres.html or any other test you can find online.
Chris Seidman's sermons can be found at http://thebranch.org/chrislibrary.htm

I promise future posts will be more light-hearted and include Gabe blogs and pictures of the cutie pie. :)

Just Stuff

I never intended to go this long without posting after such a sad post. It's not as if I'm sitting around sad all the time. I'm so content and just happy right now. Gabriel is the light of my life and I have been so blessed by a series of sermons on the Holy Spirit lately that I feel like I'm walking on air. Casey and I look at each other often and say, "How did you make such a precious baby boy?" He's just so darn sweet! I mean really, could he be any sweeter??? :)

Of course, he is still a toddler. He likes to climb on the new sofas, and while it is so cute because every time he scales the back of the sofa he smiles really big and giggles, Casey and I have decided that we cannot allow this for the fear of him climbing on sofas at everyone else's house. But he persists. So question for all you parents out there? What has been the most effective discipline for you? We have been putting him in time-out for one minute when he climbs, but that has not seemed to deter him at all. Help.



Gabriel is talking more everyday and now seems to talk in sentences, but not with words I can understand. I left the other night for a couple of hours and when I returned he told me something....like a couple of sentences worth...but I didn't understand any of it. It was so adorable!!!

We finished up our ladies bible class this week. I did the Beth Moore Daniel study. It was really good but I wish I had done ALL of my homework. I'm trying to catch up now, because I don't feel right putting the book away without completing it. And I want to learn more about Daniel and what all of his prophecy means. I'm only one week behind and try to steal moments to work on it when I can.

God is so good...and amazing...and well .... how can I describe God in words? It's impossible to accurately describe an infinite being with my finite words.

Reflections

I apologize in advance for the length and mood of this post. If you are happy and do not want to read about something sad, avoid reading this post. :)
Blogging is strange...but I like it. It feels good sometimes to send your thoughts out into space and have people who care about you respond if they feel like it. But sometimes it's just nice to get your thoughts out there. Therapeutic I guess.

When a friend is hurting I always wish that I would have just the right thing to say. God has blessed us and granted us an immense amount of peace through our loss of Nathaniel. And early on I wanted this to mean something, to be bigger than me or Casey. It had to. I was looking for answers and for God in the situation. I knew that God would work it out for the good for Casey and I. But I don't have the words for my friend. My heart grieves for her in her loss.

Nathaniel was born at 1:44 p.m. and died at 3:15 p.m. I held him as much as I had the strength to and then asked my sisters and parents to hold him for me. (Casey had been called to go up to the NICU to be with Gabriel because he was having some issues). The morphine drip kept me dozing in and out for 24 hours after the c-section. I didn't want Nathaniel to be put in a hospital bed. I wanted one of us to be holding him. Eventually everyone left. They had all been there all day and I know were exhausted from the events of the day... except my sister Stephanie. She stayed at the hospital with us till about 10:30 or 11 that night. When I think of it today, I'm still amazed at how much comfort that gave Casey and I. Stephanie stayed with me while Casey was in the NICU, and packed everything onto my bed so they could roll me back up to the room we had been staying in, which would be my recovery room. But we would first go by the NICU so I could see Gabriel. I had only seen him briefly when he was born, before they whisked him to the NICU. Now 7 hours later I was going to see him face-to-face for the 1st time. I held Nathaniel and they wheeled me up to Gabriel's bed as close as I could get. This was the only time Gabriel and Nathaniel were together again after spending 8 months together in mommy's womb. It was a brief visit. Enough time for me to love on Gabriel with my hand and tell him mommy loved him. The voice he had heard throughout his life in the womb was there to comfort him.
They rolled me to my room and Casey came with us. Steph met us back in our room. She stayed. And I didn't want her to leave. There was a void when she did. It was just Casey, myself and Nathaniel. We had to deal with the situation. Our baby is gone. We are holding onto the body he resided in shortly, but his soul was not there. But he was my baby. I just wanted to hold him a little longer.
The hospital was amazing. They let me keep Nathaniel overnight. I was still on the morphine drip so I would doze for a little bit and then wake up and sob...tears flowing onto my precious boy. The events even today seem so surreal and strange. Did this really happen? Every time I woke up and cried Casey would come over to my side and hold me and cry with me.
The next morning we woke up and admired our baby boy. He had feet like me. He was pretty chunky for only weighing 4 lbs 13 oz. He had some meat on his bones. Especially compared to Gabriel who was growth restricted and only weighed 3 lbs. 15 oz. We dressed Nathaniel in a preemie outfit that his Mimzi bought for him. We took pictures and took hand prints. At this point I knew it was soon going to be time for me to let him go.
We called the nurse to ask what the process was. What did we need to do? She said she could bring a bassinet in and they could roll him down whenever we were ready. Yes, down to the morgue. We called Greenwood to let them know he would be ready to be picked up soon.
I wasn't ready but felt like I needed to let him go. His color had started to change and I just felt like it was time. Around 9, we laid him in the bassinet with his cute little blue outfit on, with a bear on the front and a matching hat. The nurse came and took him away. To this day, I wonder if I let him go too soon. If I could have taken a few more hand prints or feet print. If only I could have kissed his nose once more or really inspected his precious, perfect body. Did I really look at his head and his hair. He had hair which was surprising. His head was not fully developed but where it was, there was hair and it was long brown hair. So precious!

This was the hardest day of my life.

My parents came and Steph too. I needed to have people with me. Casey was in the NICU constantly. He was and is the best Daddy! He spent every waking hour up there with Gabriel. Once my family left it was Casey and I again by ourselves.
Then someone knocked on the door. We both were thinking "oh who is it? we don't want to see anyone." We were exhausted and grieving for our child. We just needed time alone. It was an older couple. Casey didn't recognize them. I did. I had only met this couple a dozen times in my life, but it was my Granddaddy's favorite niece Sandra and her husband.
***************
I posted this late last night as my battery was about to die. I meant to finish the whole point of me telling the story. So here it goes.
***************

My granddaddy had passed away on my birthday in 2004. He is the reason I know Jesus as my personal savior. We were very close. It was interesting that his niece came to see me. I did not know her very well. She came to the one side of the bed opposite of where Casey was sitting and patted my hand and was crying. She said they had lost a child 30 years ago when their baby was only 6 months old. I don't remember everything that she said but the amount of comfort they provided was indescribable. Here stood a couple that really KNEW how we were feeling. She said that you never forget your child and will always grieve. And then she pointed out that her husband still grieved and we looked at him and he was crying. Then what she said that really resonated with me was, "There are good times ahead. You will smile and laugh again."
Wow! Somehow at the time it didn't mean a lot but in the days and weeks that followed it was exactly what I needed to hear. Even today I praise God for the healing that time brings. God created us to heal from a loss. We are not to stay stuck in our grief.

19 months ater losing Nathaniel, not a day has passed that I don't think about him. But it used to be with grief and now it is more with joy. I cannot wait to see him again! Time heals all things. God is amazing in His infinite wisdom...amazing!

Happy Halloween!

I finally took Gabriel to get his Halloween pictures. My original plan was to get 18 month pictures, but then I thought I'd kill 2 birds with one stone and wait a little bit to get him in his Halloween costume. I wanted to get out of a portrait studio with the least expensive package/pictures since we will be taking family/Christmas pictures in the next month. I chose to go to Portrait Innovations. They have a special where if you choose one pose you get a good size package for just $9.95. Of course they get you in there with the $9.95 lure and then take about 50 poses. :)

So here's how it went getting Gabriel's picture taken. I decided to take him after school on Thursday so he would have already taken his nap. Good idea, right? We get there and have to wait a few minutes, no big deal. I change him into his lion costume and we are ready to take our cute Halloween pictures. He's not being super cooperative at first but is doing okay, probably got a few good shots. Well it was down hill from there. They had a miniature motorcycle prop tucked away in the back corner.

Have I ever mentioned there are 2 things that Gabriel LOVES? The Moon and Motorcycles. Okay, just to detour for a minute. This love of motorcycles is my fault I'm afraid. He's always liked things that make noise like trucks and cars and motorcycles. But I made the mistake of buying a book called something like "The History of Motorcycles." I was at Half Price Books and wanted to get him a book and ran across this book that had lots of colorful pictures. He loved it and just kept flipping through it and pointing to all the pictures and saying, "kike." So cute. How can I not buy this book for him? And it was only $2. Hello?! We were taking this book home. So anyhow, back to the pictures.

He sees this motorcycle prop and immediately starts pointing in that direction, (facing away from the photographer) making motorcycle sounds and saying "kike, kike." As if I didn't see the bike, that would soon become mine and the photographer's nemesis. :)

He wouldn't look at the photographer no matter what we did. He wouldn't smile or anything. I said, "Can we bring the motorcycle out in front so maybe he'll at least look in your direction." Well it was really down hill from there. At this point we were able to get him on all fours to pose like a lion, but no real smiles. We change the background and me being the brilliant mommy that I am, decide to go out to the car to get his motorcycle book. Maybe that will distract him. He flips through the pages of the book and then decides he really just wants the real thing. "Hello, mom. There's a real motorcycle right there in front of me. Why would I want to look at pictures of one?" He starts to get really upset and then it turned into a melt down. He wants the "kike." He wants to be over by the bike and wants to touch it. Looking at it wasn't doing it for him. So finally, after mom's failed attempts at coercing him into taking pictures and threatening time out, the photographer suggests we take his picture on the bike. So we change Gabe into street clothes and get him on the bike. This was the first time we saw a true smile since we got there. Amazing!

Well I didn't get out of there with just Halloween pictures or for only $9.95. But I did get out of there with every picture they took on a CD. Which allows me to create a photo story of our photo shoot and post it here for you all to see.

I'm really pleased with the pictures and will definitely be going back to Portrait Innovations! You will notice that he's pointing to the "kike" behind him and then in front of him. So funny! I love him so much!

Nathaniel's Headstone

After the sermon Sunday, I told Casey we should go to Greenwood and order Nate's headstone. We were inspired and ready to finally make a decision. Don't ask why it's taken us 19 months. At first I wanted it to be perfect. I had this idea to have a picture of Casey holding his feet etched on a marble slab. After discussing this with Greenwood over several months, the lady who was helping us left the company and someone else told us it couldn't be done. So then I sat on it for several more months. Anyhow, all my excuses aren't sufficient but it is finally ordered and I have complete peace about what we chose. We read Job 1:21 at Nate's funeral and we had that verse put on his headstone. For whatever reason, when I was trying to decide what to put on his headstone over the past 18 months, that particular verse did not come to mind. Anyhow it is done and I am so happy! Hopefully it will be here before Christmas!

Our Sovereign God

The sermon on Sunday was a very good one. For those of you who don't attend my church, it was about God's sovereignty. Miss Patty was kind enough to warn us about the video, saying that she thought we might not want to watch it. Before the service I was searching for tissue, knowing that I would need it. (I just now recalled that I used to carry the travel packs of tissue with me everywhere I went. Hmm. I had forgotten that).
Sometimes it is comforting that God is in control, but certainly when we learned of Nathaniel's condition at 12 weeks in our pregnancy and after his death, I often questioned God's will and why my child couldn't survive or why a miracle wasn't chosen for Nathaniel. I really wrestled with God and my faith in the months leading up to and after the birth of my boys and subsequent death of Nathaniel. It hurt so much. Why would God allow this to happen to us? Did we do something to deserve this? Did we not pray hard or long enough for a miracle?
Shortly after learning of Nathaniel's condition I sent the following email to my family:

"From: Moore Angie-CAM096
Sent: Monday, October 10, 2005 4:47 PM
To: 'Steve Smith'; 'Mom at Home'Cc: 'Lauren E Smith'; Stephanie Cruson; Moore Casey-CCM041; Home Email Subject: Babies

Thanks for going and praying with Casey and I after church yesterday. We really appreciate all of your love, support, and prayers.
After praying yesterday and thinking more about it, God has granted me some well-needed peace in this situation. Some things I remembered as I reflected on what Winston said in the prayer room and other things I have learned about God through my walk with Him since I was 19 or 20: God is in control of everything. He has the power to "authorize" or "forbid" this type of trial to pass over us. Nothing happens without His complete knowledge.
Knowing all of this, I started to question; If I could snap my fingers today and change this baby's condition, if I knew that I would be going against God's will, would I do it? As hard as it is to say, I don't believe I would. God's way's are perfect. He has no blemish. He knows what is best for this baby, for Casey, myself and our other baby, as well as all the people around us that love us and our babies.
So as much as it hurts, I can live with the outcome. I will continue to pray for complete healing and that the lesson God wanted all of us to learn from this situation will be learned. But if that is not God's will and this baby is to remain with this condition I will pray for God's perfect and holy will and most of all for His comfort. There are many, many people praying for us and our precious angel. Which also means there are lots of people watching to see how we handle this situation. Will God be glorified?
There is a song that I love and have come to appreciate over the past year as Casey and I have struggled through infertility. "Blessed Be Your Name" is the song.
Just two weeks ago Celeste and I had a conversation about this song and we both agreed that this song was our theme song. On Tuesday, this theme song was then tested.
The song goes like this:
Blessed be Your name in the land that is plentiful Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name And blessed be Your name when I’m found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness Blessed be your name
Every blessing You pour out I’ll turn back to praise
And when the darkness closes in Lord Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be Your name when the sun’s shining down on me
When the world’s “all as it should be” Blessed be Your name
And blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering
Though there’s pain in the offering Blessed be Your name
You give and take away You give and take away
My heart will choose to say Lord, blessed be Your name

After receiving the news about Nathaniel through our routine sonogram, I was crying and talking to Celeste on Tuesday night. I questioned out loud if I could say "Blessed be the name of the Lord" now? I certainly could as we struggled through infertility, but now I wasn't sure. After praying continually for the past several days, I can say "Blessed be the name of the LORD!" He is holy and perfect and I want to walk in His will, no matter what. I trust that He will carry Casey and I as we take this journey. I love you very much! Angie"

As I read this email now, 2 years after it was written, I praise God for his peace and for His sovereignty. Only by the Holy Spirit could I have written such things after learning my baby had a fatal neural tube defect. That word "Anencephaly" rings in my ears. What is that? I'd never even heard that word before that day in October.
On Sunday during the video (about a Baby boy named Eliot who was not expected to live very long at all and ended up living 99 days) I mourned my loss of Nathaniel. I also wished that I could have had Nathaniel here longer than 1 and a half hours. Three hours, eight hours or a full 24 hours, wow! What an experience that would have been. I wish we could have gotten a picture of Gabriel and Nathaniel together while he was alive. Watching a video like that brings back so many feelings and reminds me of my loss. I often look at Gabriel and wonder what Nathaniel would be doing or how they would play together. What would his personality be like? What would his body shape be? Gabe has short skinny legs and a long torso? Would Nate have been more stout and round? What would his voice sound like? How would they talk to one another?
Gabe loves trucks and motorcycles. Would he like the same things Gabriel does?

During the video I was of course sobbing but was surprised by my dad's and Casey's reaction. I guess men don't cry often so when they have a reason to, then it really comes. Then singing our theme song after the video. Wow! It reminded me of singing that song at service during my pregnancy. Casey and I would always cry during it. And it also reminded me of us playing that song during Nathaniel's funeral. They also posted a scripture that was read at his funeral. ...the Lord giveth and the Lord hath taken away. Blessed be the Name of the Lord. Job 1:21

Thank you God for your sovereignty. Your ways are not our ways, but your ways are perfect!

My precious boy Nate. :)

Cousin Abby's B-day Party

We went to our nieces 4 year old B-day party this past weekend. Children AND adults were required to dress up. We decided to go as a Theme. :)

Playdate!

My friend from high school was in town last Friday and we had a playdate!!! It's so much fun to see our kids play together. Her youngest is going to be 2 at the end of Nov. and her oldest will be 5 in Feb.

Gabriel is almost 19 months!

Wow! I just cannot believe he is almost 19 months old!
Although, some days he acts like he's 2...terrible 2 that is!

The other morning I realized I had not taken pics. of him in a while so I got the camera out. He loves football and so I asked what a touchdown was.


He's so precious to me! I love being a stay at home mommy!

Blogging finally!

I opened this blog account in May of 2005. For some reason I never posted anything, even though we had lots of things to post that year. I will pretend it is 2005, to chronicle our journey in the blogger's world. That was my intent originally but I just never did. I have several friends who have been blogging a while and have pictures of their babies from the time they were born. I'm so jealous. Why did I wait? Well here it goes...oh and by the way I am starting in 1999 because that is when the journey begins.