I want to open by saying that God was so incredibly present in the days leading up to and following the birth. He sent so many people to pray with us and support us through this most difficult time. His peace and comfort descended upon us and it was amazing!
I felt like I was prepared for Nathaniel’s birth. As prepared as I could be that is. I contacted a professional photographer to take pictures from the Now I lay me Down to Sleep organization. I bought some bronze casting kits and I had my mom buy some hand print kits. I had my bag packed and brought it to the doctor’s office every time we went for a checkup which was twice a week towards the end.
I was admitted to the hospital for preeclampsia Friday, March 17th while I was at the doctor’s office for a blood pressure check. The doctor came in the next day to discuss what he wanted to do. It was clear I would be in the hospital for the duration of my pregnancy. I was 36 weeks. The doctor said he wanted to schedule the delivery for the following Thursday, March 23rd…my grandmother’s birthday. But if the protein levels in my urine were to go above 600 before then, he would deliver the babies earlier. We did a 24 hour protein test and the results came Monday. They were over 600. When the nurse told me this, it hit me…I was not ready to have these babies…I was not ready to lose Nathaniel. By having the date set for Thursday it gave me a chance to prepare for Nathaniel’s birth and subsequent death. But if they were to be born before then, I just felt I wasn’t ready. The nurse cam in to listen to the babies' heartbeats. She could see I was on the brink of tears. She made a comment about how it must be hard. I broke down. I said I just wasn’t ready. She said that the doctor would come in later to let us know if we needed to move the delivery up. She also sat and prayed for me. Her name was Skoshi. What a blessing! I called Casey and wanted him to come immediately. I just could not be there alone when the doctor came. He was all the way out in Carrollton still and would not be there for at least an hour. I was hysterical…crying uncontrollably. I called my dad. He came immediately to be with me. The doctor did not come until the next morning…and told us that we would keep the date for Thursday. I was relieved. We were still hoping to have a natural delivery if we could. Wednesday morning we went in for a sonogram to see if the babies were in the right position. They were not. We were scheduled for a c-section at 1:15 p.m. the following day. God sent so many people to minister to us in the days before the birth. My best friend Celeste and her husband came in town from Houston. Our friends Shad and Cheryl came in from Colorado. Lots of people from the church came and prayed with us…truly amazing.
March 23…They came in the morning to start preparing me for the surgery. My parents and older sister came to be with me. My sister put on my makeup for me. My younger sister arrived with my brother-in-law and nieces. My mother and father in law came in also. Then it was time to wheel me down to the room where I would be recovering. We went down there and waited a little longer. This is when it hit me. ... We learned about Nathaniel’s condition when we were 12 weeks pregnant. Since we were pregnant with twins we had a sonogram at every monthly appointment....And now it was time to meet our babies…the day that we had been anticipating with joy and sorrow. I had done everything in my power to prepare for this day and yet it was here. Nathaniel was born first. The doctor commented that he had linebacker shoulders. He was cleaned off and immediately given to Casey. Casey held him and he let out a small cry. It was so wonderful to hear him. Casey sat next to me and held Nathaniel for the rest of the time in the operating room. I always thought that I’d be totally with it and coherent if I had a c-section. I was not. I remember mostly everything that happened but I was just very tired and groggy. If I could have I would have slept through the entire thing. Gabriel was born 3 minutes after Nathaniel and had all the standard tests and cleaning off done. He was diagnosed after birth as having IUGR (Intra Uterine Growth Restriction). He was only 3 lbs. 15 oz. at 36 weeks. Once they cleaned him off etc… they brought him to me and Casey and asked me to kiss him. They were going to take him to the NICU.
When I arrived back in the room my parents and two sisters as well as my in-laws were waiting for us. Everyone gathered around to meet Nathaniel as I held him. My nieces, Emily 5 and Abby 2 were let into the room and allowed to meet Nathaniel. My friend Celeste came in after 20 minutes or so and got to see him. I just kept telling him, “Mommy loves you.” He appeared to be having trouble breathing, kind of gasping for breaths. At the time I did not realize that’s what he was doing. My husband took him and held him while sitting on the couch so others could be near him. My mother and his mother sat next to him and admired him. My nieces came over to get a closer look at Nathaniel. Emily touched him. They gave Nathaniel back to me to hold him some more. All I could do was tell him that I loved him and I stroked his arm and kissed his nose. Then my dad came over and asked if my younger sister, Lauren who is 16 could hold him. I desperately wanted her to have that opportunity and handed him over. Casey had been called away to the NICU to check in on Gabriel. After Lauren, my mom held him and rocked him as my dad sat close by. The nurse came over and checked his heart with her stethoscope. She said, "You need to give him back to, mom. He doesn't have much longer." When she came to me she said he only had about 5 minutes. I asked for someone to get Casey from the NICU. Someone left to get him...but Nathaniel was gone. He died at 3:15 p.m. We were able to hold this angel and be with him for an hour and a half. Casey returned quickly but Nathaniel had already passed before he got there. We asked everyone to leave so Casey and I could be alone with Nathaniel. We then asked the photographer to come in. She took the most wonderful
pictures.
After the pictures were taken I was tired and everyone held Nathaniel. I was just too tired to hold him myself and I did not want him to be put down. My mom held him and rocked him and then my dad rocked him. My older sister and mom took his feet prints for the bronze castings and asked the nurses to do other ink feet prints. The nurses were absolutely superb. My younger sister Lauren held him and examined him. I laid in my bed and just watched her hold him. I said, “Thank you Lauren for holding him.” No one else was in the room. Towards the end of the day everyone had left except my older sister Stephanie. She gathered all of my things up and loaded my bed. They were wheeling me to the NICU to see Gabriel. I was holding Nathaniel. That was the only time Gabriel and Nathaniel were together after the birth. We do not have a single picture of the two of them together. They then wheeled me back to the room where I had spent the last 6 days. I wondered out loud how long they’d let me hold him. I was so grateful that Stephanie was still there. It was late…around 10 p.m. or later. I held Nathaniel all night long. I would wake up every hour or so and just kiss him and cry.
Friday the 24th was the worst day of my life. Around 7 a.m. I started telling Casey that I would need to let him go at some point. I wasn’t sure what was appropriate. I knew I couldn’t keep him all day. We asked the nurse to come in to discuss what we needed to do. She said she could bring a nursery bed up and she could take him to the morgue whenever we were ready. She brought the bed in around 9 a.m. and I just cried. I needed to let him go. Casey and I made the decision to give him over then. She wheeled him away. This was the absolute hardest thing I’ve had to do. In the days that followed I would question whether I gave him up too soon. I also had regrets about not holding him enough…I look back and think I should not have shared him, although deep down I am glad that I did.
Nathaniel's funeral was on March 29th. It was so perfect. We had a private burial with just family. We were allowed to stay and watch them put him in the ground and bury him. Somehow this was very comforting to me.
We miss him. At night, as I lay my head on the pillow, I cry. I sometimes feel like the pain will never end. But then I think of Gabriel. He is so precious to me.
