I apologize in advance for the length and mood of this post. If you are happy and do not want to read about something sad, avoid reading this post. :)Blogging is strange...but I like it. It feels good sometimes to send your thoughts out into space and have people who care about you respond if they feel like it. But sometimes it's just nice to get your thoughts out there. Therapeutic I guess.
When a friend is hurting I always wish that I would have just the right thing to say. God has blessed us and granted us an immense amount of peace through our loss of Nathaniel. And early on I wanted this to mean something, to be bigger than me or Casey. It had to. I was looking for answers and for God in the situation. I knew that God would work it out for the good for Casey and I. But I don't have the words for my friend. My heart grieves for her in her loss.
Nathaniel was born at 1:44 p.m. and died at 3:15 p.m. I held him as much as I had the strength to and then asked my sisters and parents to hold him for me. (Casey had been called to go up to the
NICU to be with Gabriel because he was having some issues). The morphine drip kept me dozing in and out for 24 hours after the c-section. I didn't want Nathaniel to be put in a hospital bed. I wanted one of us to be holding him. Eventually everyone left. They had all been there all day and I know were exhausted from the events of the day... except my sister Stephanie. She stayed at the hospital with us till about 10:30 or 11 that night. When I think of it today, I'm still amazed at how much comfort that gave Casey and I. Stephanie stayed with me while Casey was in the
NICU, and packed everything onto my bed so they could roll me back up to the room we had been staying in, which would be my recovery room. But we would first go by the
NICU so I could see Gabriel. I had only seen him briefly when he was born, before they whisked him to the
NICU. Now 7 hours later I was going to see him face-to-face for the 1st time. I held Nathaniel and they wheeled me up to Gabriel's bed as close as I could get. This was the only time Gabriel and Nathaniel were together again after spending 8 months together in mommy's womb. It was a brief visit. Enough time for me to love on Gabriel with my hand and tell him mommy loved him. The voice he had heard throughout his life in the womb was there to comfort him.
They rolled me to my room and Casey came with us.
Steph met us back in our room. She stayed. And I didn't want her to leave. There was a void when she did. It was just Casey, myself and Nathaniel. We had to deal with the situation. Our baby is gone. We are holding onto the body he resided in shortly, but his soul was not there. But he was my baby. I just wanted to hold him a little longer.
The hospital was amazing. They let me keep Nathaniel overnight. I was still on the morphine drip so I would doze for a little bit and then wake up and sob...tears flowing onto my precious boy. The events even today seem so surreal and strange. Did this really happen?
Every time I woke up and cried Casey would come over to my side and hold me and cry with me.
The next morning we woke up and admired our baby boy. He had feet like me. He was pretty chunky for only weighing 4 lbs 13 oz. He had some meat on his bones. Especially compared to Gabriel who was growth restricted and only weighed 3 lbs. 15 oz. We dressed Nathaniel in a preemie outfit that his
Mimzi bought for him. We took pictures and took
hand prints. At this point I knew it was soon going to be time for me to let him go.
We called the nurse to ask what the process was. What did we need to do? She said she could bring a
bassinet in and they could roll him down whenever we were ready. Yes, down to the morgue. We called Greenwood to let them know he would be ready to be picked up soon.
I wasn't ready but felt like I needed to let him go. His color had started to change and I just felt like it was time. Around 9, we laid him in the
bassinet with his cute little blue outfit on, with a bear on the front and a matching hat. The nurse came and took him away. To this day, I wonder if I let him go too soon. If I could have taken a few more hand prints or feet print. If only I could have kissed his nose once more or really inspected his precious, perfect body. Did I really look at his head and his hair. He had hair which was surprising. His head was not fully developed but where it was, there was hair and it was long brown hair. So precious!
This was the hardest day of my life.
My parents came and
Steph too. I needed to have
people with me. Casey was in the NICU constantly. He was and is the best Daddy! He spent every waking hour up there with Gabriel. Once my family left it was Casey and I again by ourselves.
Then someone knocked on the door. We both were thinking "oh who is it? we don't want to see anyone." We were exhausted and grieving for our child. We just needed time alone. It was an older couple. Casey didn't recognize them. I did. I had only met this couple a dozen times in my life, but it was my Granddaddy's favorite niece Sandra and her husband.
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I posted this late last night as my battery was about to die. I meant to finish the whole point of me telling the story. So here it goes.***************My granddaddy had passed away on my birthday in 2004. He is the reason I know Jesus as my personal savior. We were very close. It was interesting that his niece came to see me. I did not know her very well. She came to the one side of the bed opposite of where Casey was sitting and patted my hand and was crying. She said they had lost a child 30 years ago when their baby was only 6 months old. I don't remember everything that she said but the amount of comfort they provided was indescribable. Here stood a couple that really KNEW how we were feeling. She said that you never forget your child and will always grieve. And then she pointed out that her husband still grieved and we looked at him and he was crying. Then what she said that really resonated with me was, "There are good times ahead. You will smile and laugh again."
Wow! Somehow at the time it didn't mean a lot but in the days and weeks that followed it was exactly what I needed to hear. Even today I praise God for the healing that time brings. God created us to heal from a loss. We are not to stay stuck in our grief.
19 months ater losing Nathaniel, not a day has passed that I don't think about him. But it used to be with grief and now it is more with joy. I cannot wait to see him again! Time heals all things. God is amazing in His infinite wisdom...amazing!
Wow! I just cannot believe he is almost 19 months old! 
