A friend wrote a post very openly about something she had struggled with and while there is a level of fear at putting yourself out there, I feel compelled to open up and share some of the things I have struggled with in the hopes that it will help someone else.
Back in February, I told Motorola that I was quitting. After hearing from the Lord that I needed to be at home with Gabriel back in November (I was a little slow at being obedient), I gave my notice and my last day was February 28th. So this was a big change. And March came around and I found myself very depressed. The year anniversary weighed heavy on my mind and the more the days passed and the date came closer, the more depressed I became. Which made me sad on multiple levels. The date I was dreading also happened to be Gabriel's birthday. It wasn't fair! Why couldn't it have been a different day. But it really didn't matter. I was depressed all of March and began crying everyday at the end of March and early April. At that point I knew I needed help. I didn't want to feel this way anymore. I wanted to be happy but knew I couldn't "snap out of it." I scheduled an appointment with a Christian Counselor and my physician. I went in and told them that I thought I was depressed.
They gave me a test to see if I was depressed and how depressed I was. I tested moderately depressed at the time. When the physician came in to talk to me, I began to cry and told her I didn't want to feel this way. I don't want to cry everyday. I had resisted taking medication always and forever. Not that I ever needed it before. ha ha :) (At one point when we were struggling with infertility and we kept experiencing delay after delay my mom suggested I get on some medication). I NEVER wanted to be on medication. I was not depressed.
Of course now looking back, I was probably mildly depressed and could have benefited from medication. My thought at the time was that I had seen too many people "use meds. as a crutch and never get to the root of the emotional problem." I realize now how judgemental I have been. Lord, please forgive me for having such a critical spirit.
I minored in Psychology in college, so I have learned a lot about the physiology of the brain and depression etc... but I still didn't "get" it. Now don't get me wrong, I still do believe that counseling and medication should go hand in hand, and for some people this will help and they can eventually get off the medication. But for others it truly is a chemical imbalance and like with a diabetic and insulin, they will always need a medication to supplement the chemicals in the brain that control mood.
All of this to say that my doctor placed me on medication and I saw a counselor every week for a couple of months.
Depression is weird. I look back at the past year and a half where I can now see that I was CLEARLY depressed (with good reason, I know). But I didn't return people's phone calls, I would send emails and not copy everyone I intended to, I couldn't concentrate at work, I didn't have the energy to clean and keep up with the laundry. I was doing the bare minimum to get us all by. Working 40+ hours a week certainly wasn't helping. For all of those months I was able to mask my depression with just being tired from working and having an infant. I wish I would have gotten on medication earlier. I definitely needed a leg up to get out of my pit of depression. I would have never gotten out on my own. So now I'm still on medication and take it daily along with my thyroid medication. I don't view it much differently than that but am aware of the stigma associated with it in our society. I remember in college some sorority sisters talking about a girl that had to take prozac. They were not talking nicely about her and alluded to the fact that she was crazy.
Recently I learned that Chris Seidman was preaching at a church in the metroplex and I ran across the church web site. I was in the Singles class at RHCC when he was the Singles minister back around 1996-1998. I pulled up the list of sermons and ran across a series called "Baggage Claim." Wow! What a blessing this series has been to me. If you think you might be depressed you can take this test: http://www.med.nyu.edu/psych/screens/depres.html or any other test you can find online.
Chris Seidman's sermons can be found at http://thebranch.org/chrislibrary.htm
I promise future posts will be more light-hearted and include Gabe blogs and pictures of the cutie pie. :)
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Just Stuff
I never intended to go this long without posting after such a sad post. It's not as if I'm sitting around sad all the time. I'm so content and just happy right now. Gabriel is the light of my life and I have been so blessed by a series of sermons on the Holy Spirit lately that I feel like I'm walking on air. Casey and I look at each other often and say, "How did you make such a precious baby boy?" He's just so darn sweet! I mean really, could he be any sweeter??? :)
Of course, he is still a toddler. He likes to climb on the new sofas, and while it is so cute because every time he scales the back of the sofa he smiles really big and giggles, Casey and I have decided that we cannot allow this for the fear of him climbing on sofas at everyone else's house. But he persists. So question for all you parents out there? What has been the most effective discipline for you? We have been putting him in time-out for one minute when he climbs, but that has not seemed to deter him at all. Help.
Gabriel is talking more everyday and now seems to talk in sentences, but not with words I can understand. I left the other night for a couple of hours and when I returned he told me something....like a couple of sentences worth...but I didn't understand any of it. It was so adorable!!!
God is so good...and amazing...and well .... how can I describe God in words? It's impossible to accurately describe an infinite being with my finite words.
Of course, he is still a toddler. He likes to climb on the new sofas, and while it is so cute because every time he scales the back of the sofa he smiles really big and giggles, Casey and I have decided that we cannot allow this for the fear of him climbing on sofas at everyone else's house. But he persists. So question for all you parents out there? What has been the most effective discipline for you? We have been putting him in time-out for one minute when he climbs, but that has not seemed to deter him at all. Help.
Gabriel is talking more everyday and now seems to talk in sentences, but not with words I can understand. I left the other night for a couple of hours and when I returned he told me something....like a couple of sentences worth...but I didn't understand any of it. It was so adorable!!!
We finished up our ladies bible class this week. I did the Beth Moore Daniel study. It was really good but I wish I had done ALL of my homework. I'm trying to catch up now, because I don't feel right putting the book away without completing it. And I want to learn more about Daniel and what all of his prophecy means. I'm only one week behind and try to steal moments to work on it when I can.
God is so good...and amazing...and well .... how can I describe God in words? It's impossible to accurately describe an infinite being with my finite words.
Monday, November 05, 2007
Reflections
I apologize in advance for the length and mood of this post. If you are happy and do not want to read about something sad, avoid reading this post. :)
Blogging is strange...but I like it. It feels good sometimes to send your thoughts out into space and have people who care about you respond if they feel like it. But sometimes it's just nice to get your thoughts out there. Therapeutic I guess.
When a friend is hurting I always wish that I would have just the right thing to say. God has blessed us and granted us an immense amount of peace through our loss of Nathaniel. And early on I wanted this to mean something, to be bigger than me or Casey. It had to. I was looking for answers and for God in the situation. I knew that God would work it out for the good for Casey and I. But I don't have the words for my friend. My heart grieves for her in her loss.
Nathaniel was born at 1:44 p.m. and died at 3:15 p.m. I held him as much as I had the strength to and then asked my sisters and parents to hold him for me. (Casey had been called to go up to the NICU to be with Gabriel because he was having some issues). The morphine drip kept me dozing in and out for 24 hours after the c-section. I didn't want Nathaniel to be put in a hospital bed. I wanted one of us to be holding him. Eventually everyone left. They had all been there all day and I know were exhausted from the events of the day... except my sister Stephanie. She stayed at the hospital with us till about 10:30 or 11 that night. When I think of it today, I'm still amazed at how much comfort that gave Casey and I. Stephanie stayed with me while Casey was in the NICU, and packed everything onto my bed so they could roll me back up to the room we had been staying in, which would be my recovery room. But we would first go by the NICU so I could see Gabriel. I had only seen him briefly when he was born, before they whisked him to the NICU. Now 7 hours later I was going to see him face-to-face for the 1st time. I held Nathaniel and they wheeled me up to Gabriel's bed as close as I could get. This was the only time Gabriel and Nathaniel were together again after spending 8 months together in mommy's womb. It was a brief visit. Enough time for me to love on Gabriel with my hand and tell him mommy loved him. The voice he had heard throughout his life in the womb was there to comfort him.
They rolled me to my room and Casey came with us. Steph met us back in our room. She stayed. And I didn't want her to leave. There was a void when she did. It was just Casey, myself and Nathaniel. We had to deal with the situation. Our baby is gone. We are holding onto the body he resided in shortly, but his soul was not there. But he was my baby. I just wanted to hold him a little longer.
The hospital was amazing. They let me keep Nathaniel overnight. I was still on the morphine drip so I would doze for a little bit and then wake up and sob...tears flowing onto my precious boy. The events even today seem so surreal and strange. Did this really happen? Every time I woke up and cried Casey would come over to my side and hold me and cry with me.
The next morning we woke up and admired our baby boy. He had feet like me. He was pretty chunky for only weighing 4 lbs 13 oz. He had some meat on his bones. Especially compared to Gabriel who was growth restricted and only weighed 3 lbs. 15 oz. We dressed Nathaniel in a preemie outfit that his Mimzi bought for him. We took pictures and took hand prints. At this point I knew it was soon going to be time for me to let him go.
We called the nurse to ask what the process was. What did we need to do? She said she could bring a bassinet in and they could roll him down whenever we were ready. Yes, down to the morgue. We called Greenwood to let them know he would be ready to be picked up soon.
I wasn't ready but felt like I needed to let him go. His color had started to change and I just felt like it was time. Around 9, we laid him in the bassinet with his cute little blue outfit on, with a bear on the front and a matching hat. The nurse came and took him away. To this day, I wonder if I let him go too soon. If I could have taken a few more hand prints or feet print. If only I could have kissed his nose once more or really inspected his precious, perfect body. Did I really look at his head and his hair. He had hair which was surprising. His head was not fully developed but where it was, there was hair and it was long brown hair. So precious!
This was the hardest day of my life.
My parents came and Steph too. I needed to have people with me. Casey was in the NICU constantly. He was and is the best Daddy! He spent every waking hour up there with Gabriel. Once my family left it was Casey and I again by ourselves.
Then someone knocked on the door. We both were thinking "oh who is it? we don't want to see anyone." We were exhausted and grieving for our child. We just needed time alone. It was an older couple. Casey didn't recognize them. I did. I had only met this couple a dozen times in my life, but it was my Granddaddy's favorite niece Sandra and her husband.
***************
I posted this late last night as my battery was about to die. I meant to finish the whole point of me telling the story. So here it goes.
***************
My granddaddy had passed away on my birthday in 2004. He is the reason I know Jesus as my personal savior. We were very close. It was interesting that his niece came to see me. I did not know her very well. She came to the one side of the bed opposite of where Casey was sitting and patted my hand and was crying. She said they had lost a child 30 years ago when their baby was only 6 months old. I don't remember everything that she said but the amount of comfort they provided was indescribable. Here stood a couple that really KNEW how we were feeling. She said that you never forget your child and will always grieve. And then she pointed out that her husband still grieved and we looked at him and he was crying. Then what she said that really resonated with me was, "There are good times ahead. You will smile and laugh again."
Wow! Somehow at the time it didn't mean a lot but in the days and weeks that followed it was exactly what I needed to hear. Even today I praise God for the healing that time brings. God created us to heal from a loss. We are not to stay stuck in our grief.
19 months ater losing Nathaniel, not a day has passed that I don't think about him. But it used to be with grief and now it is more with joy. I cannot wait to see him again! Time heals all things. God is amazing in His infinite wisdom...amazing!
Blogging is strange...but I like it. It feels good sometimes to send your thoughts out into space and have people who care about you respond if they feel like it. But sometimes it's just nice to get your thoughts out there. Therapeutic I guess.
When a friend is hurting I always wish that I would have just the right thing to say. God has blessed us and granted us an immense amount of peace through our loss of Nathaniel. And early on I wanted this to mean something, to be bigger than me or Casey. It had to. I was looking for answers and for God in the situation. I knew that God would work it out for the good for Casey and I. But I don't have the words for my friend. My heart grieves for her in her loss.
Nathaniel was born at 1:44 p.m. and died at 3:15 p.m. I held him as much as I had the strength to and then asked my sisters and parents to hold him for me. (Casey had been called to go up to the NICU to be with Gabriel because he was having some issues). The morphine drip kept me dozing in and out for 24 hours after the c-section. I didn't want Nathaniel to be put in a hospital bed. I wanted one of us to be holding him. Eventually everyone left. They had all been there all day and I know were exhausted from the events of the day... except my sister Stephanie. She stayed at the hospital with us till about 10:30 or 11 that night. When I think of it today, I'm still amazed at how much comfort that gave Casey and I. Stephanie stayed with me while Casey was in the NICU, and packed everything onto my bed so they could roll me back up to the room we had been staying in, which would be my recovery room. But we would first go by the NICU so I could see Gabriel. I had only seen him briefly when he was born, before they whisked him to the NICU. Now 7 hours later I was going to see him face-to-face for the 1st time. I held Nathaniel and they wheeled me up to Gabriel's bed as close as I could get. This was the only time Gabriel and Nathaniel were together again after spending 8 months together in mommy's womb. It was a brief visit. Enough time for me to love on Gabriel with my hand and tell him mommy loved him. The voice he had heard throughout his life in the womb was there to comfort him.
They rolled me to my room and Casey came with us. Steph met us back in our room. She stayed. And I didn't want her to leave. There was a void when she did. It was just Casey, myself and Nathaniel. We had to deal with the situation. Our baby is gone. We are holding onto the body he resided in shortly, but his soul was not there. But he was my baby. I just wanted to hold him a little longer.
The hospital was amazing. They let me keep Nathaniel overnight. I was still on the morphine drip so I would doze for a little bit and then wake up and sob...tears flowing onto my precious boy. The events even today seem so surreal and strange. Did this really happen? Every time I woke up and cried Casey would come over to my side and hold me and cry with me.
The next morning we woke up and admired our baby boy. He had feet like me. He was pretty chunky for only weighing 4 lbs 13 oz. He had some meat on his bones. Especially compared to Gabriel who was growth restricted and only weighed 3 lbs. 15 oz. We dressed Nathaniel in a preemie outfit that his Mimzi bought for him. We took pictures and took hand prints. At this point I knew it was soon going to be time for me to let him go.
We called the nurse to ask what the process was. What did we need to do? She said she could bring a bassinet in and they could roll him down whenever we were ready. Yes, down to the morgue. We called Greenwood to let them know he would be ready to be picked up soon.
I wasn't ready but felt like I needed to let him go. His color had started to change and I just felt like it was time. Around 9, we laid him in the bassinet with his cute little blue outfit on, with a bear on the front and a matching hat. The nurse came and took him away. To this day, I wonder if I let him go too soon. If I could have taken a few more hand prints or feet print. If only I could have kissed his nose once more or really inspected his precious, perfect body. Did I really look at his head and his hair. He had hair which was surprising. His head was not fully developed but where it was, there was hair and it was long brown hair. So precious!
This was the hardest day of my life.
My parents came and Steph too. I needed to have people with me. Casey was in the NICU constantly. He was and is the best Daddy! He spent every waking hour up there with Gabriel. Once my family left it was Casey and I again by ourselves.
Then someone knocked on the door. We both were thinking "oh who is it? we don't want to see anyone." We were exhausted and grieving for our child. We just needed time alone. It was an older couple. Casey didn't recognize them. I did. I had only met this couple a dozen times in my life, but it was my Granddaddy's favorite niece Sandra and her husband.
***************
I posted this late last night as my battery was about to die. I meant to finish the whole point of me telling the story. So here it goes.
***************
My granddaddy had passed away on my birthday in 2004. He is the reason I know Jesus as my personal savior. We were very close. It was interesting that his niece came to see me. I did not know her very well. She came to the one side of the bed opposite of where Casey was sitting and patted my hand and was crying. She said they had lost a child 30 years ago when their baby was only 6 months old. I don't remember everything that she said but the amount of comfort they provided was indescribable. Here stood a couple that really KNEW how we were feeling. She said that you never forget your child and will always grieve. And then she pointed out that her husband still grieved and we looked at him and he was crying. Then what she said that really resonated with me was, "There are good times ahead. You will smile and laugh again."
Wow! Somehow at the time it didn't mean a lot but in the days and weeks that followed it was exactly what I needed to hear. Even today I praise God for the healing that time brings. God created us to heal from a loss. We are not to stay stuck in our grief.
19 months ater losing Nathaniel, not a day has passed that I don't think about him. But it used to be with grief and now it is more with joy. I cannot wait to see him again! Time heals all things. God is amazing in His infinite wisdom...amazing!
Friday, October 26, 2007
Happy Halloween!
I finally took Gabriel to get his Halloween pictures. My original plan was to get 18 month pictures, but then I thought I'd kill 2 birds with one stone and wait a little bit to get him in his Halloween costume. I wanted to get out of a portrait studio with the least expensive package/pictures since we will be taking family/Christmas pictures in the next month. I chose to go to Portrait Innovations. They have a special where if you choose one pose you get a good size package for just $9.95. Of course they get you in there with the $9.95 lure and then take about 50 poses. :)
So here's how it went getting Gabriel's picture taken. I decided to take him after school on Thursday so he would have already taken his nap. Good idea, right? We get there and have to wait a few minutes, no big deal. I change him into his lion costume and we are ready to take our cute Halloween pictures. He's not being super cooperative at first but is doing okay, probably got a few good shots. Well it was down hill from there. They had a miniature motorcycle prop tucked away in the back corner.
Have I ever mentioned there are 2 things that Gabriel LOVES? The Moon and Motorcycles. Okay, just to detour for a minute. This love of motorcycles is my fault I'm afraid. He's always liked things that make noise like trucks and cars and motorcycles. But I made the mistake of buying a book called something like "The History of Motorcycles." I was at Half Price Books and wanted to get him a book and ran across this book that had lots of colorful pictures. He loved it and just kept flipping through it and pointing to all the pictures and saying, "kike." So cute. How can I not buy this book for him? And it was only $2. Hello?! We were taking this book home. So anyhow, back to the pictures.
He sees this motorcycle prop and immediately starts pointing in that direction, (facing away from the photographer) making motorcycle sounds and saying "kike, kike." As if I didn't see the bike, that would soon become mine and the photographer's nemesis. :)
He wouldn't look at the photographer no matter what we did. He wouldn't smile or anything. I said, "Can we bring the motorcycle out in front so maybe he'll at least look in your direction." Well it was really down hill from there. At this point we were able to get him on all fours to pose like a lion, but no real smiles. We change the background and me being the brilliant mommy that I am, decide to go out to the car to get his motorcycle book. Maybe that will distract him. He flips through the pages of the book and then decides he really just wants the real thing. "Hello, mom. There's a real motorcycle right there in front of me. Why would I want to look at pictures of one?" He starts to get really upset and then it turned into a melt down. He wants the "kike." He wants to be over by the bike and wants to touch it. Looking at it wasn't doing it for him. So finally, after mom's failed attempts at coercing him into taking pictures and threatening time out, the photographer suggests we take his picture on the bike. So we change Gabe into street clothes and get him on the bike. This was the first time we saw a true smile since we got there. Amazing!
Well I didn't get out of there with just Halloween pictures or for only $9.95. But I did get out of there with every picture they took on a CD. Which allows me to create a photo story of our photo shoot and post it here for you all to see.
I'm really pleased with the pictures and will definitely be going back to Portrait Innovations! You will notice that he's pointing to the "kike" behind him and then in front of him. So funny! I love him so much!
Nathaniel's Headstone
After the sermon Sunday, I told Casey we should go to Greenwood and order Nate's headstone. We were inspired and ready to finally make a decision. Don't ask why it's taken us 19 months. At first I wanted it to be perfect. I had this idea to have a picture of Casey holding his feet etched on a marble slab. After discussing this with Greenwood over several months, the lady who was helping us left the company and someone else told us it couldn't be done. So then I sat on it for several more months. Anyhow, all my excuses aren't sufficient but it is finally ordered and I have complete peace about what we chose. We read Job 1:21 at Nate's funeral and we had that verse put on his headstone. For whatever reason, when I was trying to decide what to put on his headstone over the past 18 months, that particular verse did not come to mind. Anyhow it is done and I am so happy! Hopefully it will be here before Christmas!
Monday, October 22, 2007
Our Sovereign God
The sermon on Sunday was a very good one. For those of you who don't attend my church, it was about God's sovereignty. Miss Patty was kind enough to warn us about the video, saying that she thought we might not want to watch it. Before the service I was searching for tissue, knowing that I would need it. (I just now recalled that I used to carry the travel packs of tissue with me everywhere I went. Hmm. I had forgotten that).
Sometimes it is comforting that God is in control, but certainly when we learned of Nathaniel's condition at 12 weeks in our pregnancy and after his death, I often questioned God's will and why my child couldn't survive or why a miracle wasn't chosen for Nathaniel. I really wrestled with God and my faith in the months leading up to and after the birth of my boys and subsequent death of Nathaniel. It hurt so much. Why would God allow this to happen to us? Did we do something to deserve this? Did we not pray hard or long enough for a miracle?
Shortly after learning of Nathaniel's condition I sent the following email to my family:
"From: Moore Angie-CAM096
Sent: Monday, October 10, 2005 4:47 PM
To: 'Steve Smith'; 'Mom at Home'Cc: 'Lauren E Smith'; Stephanie Cruson; Moore Casey-CCM041; Home Email Subject: Babies
Thanks for going and praying with Casey and I after church yesterday. We really appreciate all of your love, support, and prayers.
After praying yesterday and thinking more about it, God has granted me some well-needed peace in this situation. Some things I remembered as I reflected on what Winston said in the prayer room and other things I have learned about God through my walk with Him since I was 19 or 20: God is in control of everything. He has the power to "authorize" or "forbid" this type of trial to pass over us. Nothing happens without His complete knowledge.
Knowing all of this, I started to question; If I could snap my fingers today and change this baby's condition, if I knew that I would be going against God's will, would I do it? As hard as it is to say, I don't believe I would. God's way's are perfect. He has no blemish. He knows what is best for this baby, for Casey, myself and our other baby, as well as all the people around us that love us and our babies.
So as much as it hurts, I can live with the outcome. I will continue to pray for complete healing and that the lesson God wanted all of us to learn from this situation will be learned. But if that is not God's will and this baby is to remain with this condition I will pray for God's perfect and holy will and most of all for His comfort. There are many, many people praying for us and our precious angel. Which also means there are lots of people watching to see how we handle this situation. Will God be glorified?
There is a song that I love and have come to appreciate over the past year as Casey and I have struggled through infertility. "Blessed Be Your Name" is the song.
Just two weeks ago Celeste and I had a conversation about this song and we both agreed that this song was our theme song. On Tuesday, this theme song was then tested.
The song goes like this:
Blessed be Your name in the land that is plentiful Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name And blessed be Your name when I’m found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness Blessed be your name
Every blessing You pour out I’ll turn back to praise
And when the darkness closes in Lord Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be Your name when the sun’s shining down on me
When the world’s “all as it should be” Blessed be Your name
And blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering
Though there’s pain in the offering Blessed be Your name
You give and take away You give and take away
My heart will choose to say Lord, blessed be Your name
After receiving the news about Nathaniel through our routine sonogram, I was crying and talking to Celeste on Tuesday night. I questioned out loud if I could say "Blessed be the name of the Lord" now? I certainly could as we struggled through infertility, but now I wasn't sure. After praying continually for the past several days, I can say "Blessed be the name of the LORD!" He is holy and perfect and I want to walk in His will, no matter what. I trust that He will carry Casey and I as we take this journey. I love you very much! Angie"
As I read this email now, 2 years after it was written, I praise God for his peace and for His sovereignty. Only by the Holy Spirit could I have written such things after learning my baby had a fatal neural tube defect. That word "Anencephaly" rings in my ears. What is that? I'd never even heard that word before that day in October.
On Sunday during the video (about a Baby boy named Eliot who was not expected to live very long at all and ended up living 99 days) I mourned my loss of Nathaniel. I also wished that I could have had Nathaniel here longer than 1 and a half hours. Three hours, eight hours or a full 24 hours, wow! What an experience that would have been. I wish we could have gotten a picture of Gabriel and Nathaniel together while he was alive. Watching a video like that brings back so many feelings and reminds me of my loss. I often look at Gabriel and wonder what Nathaniel would be doing or how they would play together. What would his personality be like? What would his body shape be? Gabe has short skinny legs and a long torso? Would Nate have been more stout and round? What would his voice sound like? How would they talk to one another?
Gabe loves trucks and motorcycles. Would he like the same things Gabriel does?
During the video I was of course sobbing but was surprised by my dad's and Casey's reaction. I guess men don't cry often so when they have a reason to, then it really comes. Then singing our theme song after the video. Wow! It reminded me of singing that song at service during my pregnancy. Casey and I would always cry during it. And it also reminded me of us playing that song during Nathaniel's funeral. They also posted a scripture that was read at his funeral. ...the Lord giveth and the Lord hath taken away. Blessed be the Name of the Lord. Job 1:21
Thank you God for your sovereignty. Your ways are not our ways, but your ways are perfect!
My precious boy Nate. :)
Sometimes it is comforting that God is in control, but certainly when we learned of Nathaniel's condition at 12 weeks in our pregnancy and after his death, I often questioned God's will and why my child couldn't survive or why a miracle wasn't chosen for Nathaniel. I really wrestled with God and my faith in the months leading up to and after the birth of my boys and subsequent death of Nathaniel. It hurt so much. Why would God allow this to happen to us? Did we do something to deserve this? Did we not pray hard or long enough for a miracle?
Shortly after learning of Nathaniel's condition I sent the following email to my family:
"From: Moore Angie-CAM096
Sent: Monday, October 10, 2005 4:47 PM
To: 'Steve Smith'; 'Mom at Home'Cc: 'Lauren E Smith'; Stephanie Cruson; Moore Casey-CCM041; Home Email Subject: Babies
Thanks for going and praying with Casey and I after church yesterday. We really appreciate all of your love, support, and prayers.
After praying yesterday and thinking more about it, God has granted me some well-needed peace in this situation. Some things I remembered as I reflected on what Winston said in the prayer room and other things I have learned about God through my walk with Him since I was 19 or 20: God is in control of everything. He has the power to "authorize" or "forbid" this type of trial to pass over us. Nothing happens without His complete knowledge.
Knowing all of this, I started to question; If I could snap my fingers today and change this baby's condition, if I knew that I would be going against God's will, would I do it? As hard as it is to say, I don't believe I would. God's way's are perfect. He has no blemish. He knows what is best for this baby, for Casey, myself and our other baby, as well as all the people around us that love us and our babies.
So as much as it hurts, I can live with the outcome. I will continue to pray for complete healing and that the lesson God wanted all of us to learn from this situation will be learned. But if that is not God's will and this baby is to remain with this condition I will pray for God's perfect and holy will and most of all for His comfort. There are many, many people praying for us and our precious angel. Which also means there are lots of people watching to see how we handle this situation. Will God be glorified?
There is a song that I love and have come to appreciate over the past year as Casey and I have struggled through infertility. "Blessed Be Your Name" is the song.
Just two weeks ago Celeste and I had a conversation about this song and we both agreed that this song was our theme song. On Tuesday, this theme song was then tested.
The song goes like this:
Blessed be Your name in the land that is plentiful Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name And blessed be Your name when I’m found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness Blessed be your name
Every blessing You pour out I’ll turn back to praise
And when the darkness closes in Lord Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be Your name when the sun’s shining down on me
When the world’s “all as it should be” Blessed be Your name
And blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering
Though there’s pain in the offering Blessed be Your name
You give and take away You give and take away
My heart will choose to say Lord, blessed be Your name
After receiving the news about Nathaniel through our routine sonogram, I was crying and talking to Celeste on Tuesday night. I questioned out loud if I could say "Blessed be the name of the Lord" now? I certainly could as we struggled through infertility, but now I wasn't sure. After praying continually for the past several days, I can say "Blessed be the name of the LORD!" He is holy and perfect and I want to walk in His will, no matter what. I trust that He will carry Casey and I as we take this journey. I love you very much! Angie"
As I read this email now, 2 years after it was written, I praise God for his peace and for His sovereignty. Only by the Holy Spirit could I have written such things after learning my baby had a fatal neural tube defect. That word "Anencephaly" rings in my ears. What is that? I'd never even heard that word before that day in October.
On Sunday during the video (about a Baby boy named Eliot who was not expected to live very long at all and ended up living 99 days) I mourned my loss of Nathaniel. I also wished that I could have had Nathaniel here longer than 1 and a half hours. Three hours, eight hours or a full 24 hours, wow! What an experience that would have been. I wish we could have gotten a picture of Gabriel and Nathaniel together while he was alive. Watching a video like that brings back so many feelings and reminds me of my loss. I often look at Gabriel and wonder what Nathaniel would be doing or how they would play together. What would his personality be like? What would his body shape be? Gabe has short skinny legs and a long torso? Would Nate have been more stout and round? What would his voice sound like? How would they talk to one another?
Gabe loves trucks and motorcycles. Would he like the same things Gabriel does?
During the video I was of course sobbing but was surprised by my dad's and Casey's reaction. I guess men don't cry often so when they have a reason to, then it really comes. Then singing our theme song after the video. Wow! It reminded me of singing that song at service during my pregnancy. Casey and I would always cry during it. And it also reminded me of us playing that song during Nathaniel's funeral. They also posted a scripture that was read at his funeral. ...the Lord giveth and the Lord hath taken away. Blessed be the Name of the Lord. Job 1:21
Thank you God for your sovereignty. Your ways are not our ways, but your ways are perfect!
My precious boy Nate. :)
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Cousin Abby's B-day Party
We went to our nieces 4 year old B-day party this past weekend. Children AND adults were required to dress up. We decided to go as a Theme. :)
Playdate!
My friend from high school was in town last Friday and we had a playdate!!! It's so much fun to see our kids play together. Her youngest is going to be 2 at the end of Nov. and her oldest will be 5 in Feb.
Gabriel is almost 19 months!
Wow! I just cannot believe he is almost 19 months old! 
Although, some days he acts like he's 2...terrible 2 that is!
The other morning I realized I had not taken pics. of him in a while so I got the camera out. He loves football and so I asked what a touchdown was.
He's so precious to me! I love being a stay at home mommy!
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Blogging finally!
I opened this blog account in May of 2005. For some reason I never posted anything, even though we had lots of things to post that year. I will pretend it is 2005, to chronicle our journey in the blogger's world. That was my intent originally but I just never did. I have several friends who have been blogging a while and have pictures of their babies from the time they were born. I'm so jealous. Why did I wait? Well here it goes...oh and by the way I am starting in 1999 because that is when the journey begins.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Nathaniel is March 2007 Greeter Baby
Hello Friends and Family,
Nathaniel is the March Greeter Baby on the support website!
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/anencephalyblessingsfromabove/
In this picture he is just a few minutes old and Casey is holding him next to me so I can see him. Papo took this picture of him. In these same moments, Nathaniel let out a few cries, which we were told he would be unable to do! It was the most precious cry I've ever heard! After Gabriel was born and rushed to the NICU, I was ready to move to recovery. We went to the room where all the family was waiting to meet Nathaniel. He lived for an hour and a half. In the months following, Abby (my 2 and a half year old niece at the time) would recount how she saw God (or some kind of presence of God, an angel perhaps) in our hospital room that day. God is alive! And He lives in those of us who have asked Jesus to be our Savior! And as I've heard in numerous accounts from children since losing Nathaniel, He is there when children die. Isn't that amazing? And somehow young children can see His presence in those circumstances!
I recently read the book 90 minutes in Heaven. The person who wrote the book was in a fatal car accident and medical personnel declared him dead. In his book he said, "a light enveloped me, with a brilliance beyond comprehension. In the next moment I was standing in heaven. Joy pulsated through me as I looked around, and at that moment I became aware of a very large crowd of people. They rushed toward me and every person was smiling, shouting and praising God. They were friends and family that had died in my lifetime. They were my celestial welcoming committee. The first person I recognized was my Grandfather... More and more people reached for me and called me by name. I felt overwhelmed by the number of people who had come to welcome me to heaven."
I feel peace knowing that Nathaniel is in heaven and has more joy than we can imagine!
Love,
Angie
Nathaniel is the March Greeter Baby on the support website!
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/anencephalyblessingsfromabove/
In this picture he is just a few minutes old and Casey is holding him next to me so I can see him. Papo took this picture of him. In these same moments, Nathaniel let out a few cries, which we were told he would be unable to do! It was the most precious cry I've ever heard! After Gabriel was born and rushed to the NICU, I was ready to move to recovery. We went to the room where all the family was waiting to meet Nathaniel. He lived for an hour and a half. In the months following, Abby (my 2 and a half year old niece at the time) would recount how she saw God (or some kind of presence of God, an angel perhaps) in our hospital room that day. God is alive! And He lives in those of us who have asked Jesus to be our Savior! And as I've heard in numerous accounts from children since losing Nathaniel, He is there when children die. Isn't that amazing? And somehow young children can see His presence in those circumstances!
I recently read the book 90 minutes in Heaven. The person who wrote the book was in a fatal car accident and medical personnel declared him dead. In his book he said, "a light enveloped me, with a brilliance beyond comprehension. In the next moment I was standing in heaven. Joy pulsated through me as I looked around, and at that moment I became aware of a very large crowd of people. They rushed toward me and every person was smiling, shouting and praising God. They were friends and family that had died in my lifetime. They were my celestial welcoming committee. The first person I recognized was my Grandfather... More and more people reached for me and called me by name. I felt overwhelmed by the number of people who had come to welcome me to heaven."
I feel peace knowing that Nathaniel is in heaven and has more joy than we can imagine!
Love,
Angie
"but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31
Friday, February 16, 2007
Email between friend Susan who carried twin boys, one with anen.
Happy Birthday, Ryan and Chase
| From: | Susan and Mark Ertel (noworries2@sbcglobal.net) |
| Sent: | Fri 2/16/07 10:29 PM |
| To: | Angie Moore (acmooretx@hotmail.com) |
Angie,
I think there was a reason that our little angels were not with us for long. God had a reason for taking them so soon. I cannot believe that Faith is still alive. I think that you were to focus on Gabriel's health, God and Nathanial knew that. I felt so guilty that I was not the person holding Chase when he passed away, but I had to hang on the the belief that he and God thought it would be too painful for me. I am not sure if I shared this story with you, so forgive me if I am repeating it, but at one point after the boys were born, I was holding Chase and thought that he passed away. He took in a deep breath, then no more. The nurse came over to check with the stethoscope and said that there was barely a heartbeat. I started bawling and holding him so tight. She checked again and it was beating much stronger. Anyway, my sister in law, was holding him when he passed away and we have a closer bond because of that.
This may be way out there, but someone once told me that Chase made a couple in heaven very happy that could not have children. I don't think that we will ever get over losing our boys. I do understand your anger and sadness. I feel it as well, especially when I hear of women with perfect pregnancies. If it was not enough to go through infertility. Anyway, I am thinking of you and anytime you need to talk, please call. I am happy for you and your decision to be home. Gabriel will love it!
Love,
Susan
| From: | Angie Moore (acmooretx@hotmail.com) |
| Sent: | Fri 2/16/07 10:23 AM |
| To: | Susan and Mark Ertel (noworries2@sbcglobal.net) |
I love that stone!!! Where did you get it?
I am actually still working at Motorola but do plan on quitting at end of the month. God told me this week that I'm not supposed to be working. I was staying on to exercise some stock options that become available in early May but God said no amount of money will give you back the time with Gabriel. Pretty profound so I knew it was from God...I could not have come up with that myself! :)
We are having a party I think on the 24th, the day after their B-day.
I wasn't sure what to do for Nathaniel. I like your idea of a birthday banner. So sweet!
Ok, I was balling the other day. On the anencephaly support web site, a woman posted a few months ago and said she was carrying twins. I sent her an email and asked her to call me if she wanted to. I never heard from her and then she posted again a few days ago. her twins were born on January 15th and Faith had anencephaly. Faith is still alive and at home with them!!! Can you believe that? I was stunned, and of course wanted to be happy for them but was so mad that I only got an hour and a half with Nathaniel and this person gets a month or more!! Of course after I was angry for a few moments I was able to be happy for them, but it just made me miss Nathaniel so much! And I'm still so upset that we did not get a picture of the 2 of them together. :(
Anyhow, I wanted to share that with you since I know you understand.
Take care.
Love,
Angie
I am actually still working at Motorola but do plan on quitting at end of the month. God told me this week that I'm not supposed to be working. I was staying on to exercise some stock options that become available in early May but God said no amount of money will give you back the time with Gabriel. Pretty profound so I knew it was from God...I could not have come up with that myself! :)
We are having a party I think on the 24th, the day after their B-day.
I wasn't sure what to do for Nathaniel. I like your idea of a birthday banner. So sweet!
Ok, I was balling the other day. On the anencephaly support web site, a woman posted a few months ago and said she was carrying twins. I sent her an email and asked her to call me if she wanted to. I never heard from her and then she posted again a few days ago. her twins were born on January 15th and Faith had anencephaly. Faith is still alive and at home with them!!! Can you believe that? I was stunned, and of course wanted to be happy for them but was so mad that I only got an hour and a half with Nathaniel and this person gets a month or more!! Of course after I was angry for a few moments I was able to be happy for them, but it just made me miss Nathaniel so much! And I'm still so upset that we did not get a picture of the 2 of them together. :(
Anyhow, I wanted to share that with you since I know you understand.
Take care.
Love,
Angie
| From: | Susan and Mark Ertel (noworries2@sbcglobal.net) |
| Sent: | Fri 2/16/07 9:57 AM |
| To: | Angie Moore (acmooretx@hotmail.com) |
The party was fun, but went by so quickly. Ryan is starting with the toddler possessiveness about his toys - it was quite interesting. Anyway, I had a new silk flower arrangement made for Chases's memorial. We also put a solar light out there and attached a small Happy Birthday banner. It was quite cold on the 4th (-10 degrees), so we did not stay long. I also purchased a stone and had that at the party with a photo of the two boys together underneath (attached photo). We will put the stone by his tree this summer.
Are you enjoying not working at Motorola? How is Gabriel - what is he doing now? Will you be having a party?
Love,
Susan
On Feb 15, 2007, at 9:56 PM, Angie Moore wrote:
Hi.
I wanted to see how your party was? I have a gift for Ryan that I'm putting in the mail this weekend. :)
Did you do anything special for Chase?
Love,
Angie
I wanted to see how your party was? I have a gift for Ryan that I'm putting in the mail this weekend. :)
Did you do anything special for Chase?
Love,
Angie
| From: | Angie Moore (acmooretx@hotmail.com) |
| Sent: | Thu 2/15/07 9:56 PM |
| To: | Susan and Mark Ertel (noworries2@sbcglobal.net) |
Hi.
I wanted to see how your party was? I have a gift for Ryan that I'm putting in the mail this weekend. :)
Did you do anything special for Chase?
Love,
Angie
Live Search: Better results, fast Try it now!
I wanted to see how your party was? I have a gift for Ryan that I'm putting in the mail this weekend. :)
Did you do anything special for Chase?
Love,
Angie
From: noworries2@sbcglobal.net
Subject: Re: A message sent from your Personal Web Site
Date: Sun, 21 Jan 2007 16:33:35 -0600
To: acmooretx@hotmail.com
hello Angie!
I will update my email address book. How are you? How is Gabriel? Thank you for the Christmas card - what a beautiful picture of your family! How was Christmas? Ours was a whirlwind and so fun to see it through the eyes of a child. We are preparing for Ryan and Chase's first birthday, as it comes with great joy and sadness. I attached the invite, even though I know you are not able to come. Congratulations on your permanent leave from Motorola! How exciting for you. I feel blessed with my work schedule and to have the two extra days at home with Ryan.
Anyway, the last time that I received an email from you, you had said that you were placing a blanket by Nathaniel's grave? What was it like? And how does it stay put?
I hope you are doing well. Email soon if you can.
Love,Susan
Live Search: Better results, fast Try it now!
Email about quitting work in 2007
Lorraine,
My last day has been moved to March 2nd, I think. :) I'm definitely quitting sooner than May. I was praying about it the other day and God really spoke to me about this. He said no amount of money would give me the time back with Gabriel while he's this age and doing so many new and funny things. So I just have to trust that God will provide for all our needs on one income. yikes...that's hard to do. It's kind of funny that last year at this same time I was forced to trust God for His peace and comfort and ...well...everything. And now a year later I struggle with trusting him to provide food and shelter...totally ridiculous! :)
Anyhow, I'm excited about the end of the month!!!
Take good care and we'll talk soon!
Love,
Angie
My last day has been moved to March 2nd, I think. :) I'm definitely quitting sooner than May. I was praying about it the other day and God really spoke to me about this. He said no amount of money would give me the time back with Gabriel while he's this age and doing so many new and funny things. So I just have to trust that God will provide for all our needs on one income. yikes...that's hard to do. It's kind of funny that last year at this same time I was forced to trust God for His peace and comfort and ...well...everything. And now a year later I struggle with trusting him to provide food and shelter...totally ridiculous! :)
Anyhow, I'm excited about the end of the month!!!
Take good care and we'll talk soon!
Love,
Angie
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Gabe's sleep schedule documented in an email.
I'm posting this on 3/9/2012. I'm cleaning up my emails and found this one exchanged between myself and Karen. It documented what Gabe's sleep habits were when he was 10 months old.
__________________________________________________________________________________
From: acmooretx@hotmail.com
To: karen_richardson@sbcglobal.net; ririzarry@shepherdsguide.com; b_ljones@sbcglobal.net; katrina@alpinenorth.com; rgmccain@sbcglobal.net; fromm_family@earthlink.net; mjtrnr@yahoo.com; christyryan@sbcglobal.net
Subject: RE: any advice for a tired mommy?
Date: Wed, 17 Jan 2007 11:46:14 -0600
sorry everyone, I didn't realize I replied to all.
Well, consider yourselves lucky, I normally charge for imparting that kind of wisdom, I'll charge all of you the next time around. hee hee. :) just kidding!
Angie
__________________________________________________________________________________
From: acmooretx@hotmail.com
To: karen_richardson@sbcglobal.net; ririzarry@shepherdsguide.com; b_ljones@sbcglobal.net; katrina@alpinenorth.com; rgmccain@sbcglobal.net; fromm_family@earthlink.net; mjtrnr@yahoo.com; christyryan@sbcglobal.net
Subject: RE: any advice for a tired mommy?
Date: Wed, 17 Jan 2007 11:46:14 -0600
sorry everyone, I didn't realize I replied to all.
Well, consider yourselves lucky, I normally charge for imparting that kind of wisdom, I'll charge all of you the next time around. hee hee. :) just kidding!
Angie
From: acmooretx@hotmail.com
To: karen_richardson@sbcglobal.net; ririzarry@shepherdsguide.com; b_ljones@sbcglobal.net; katrina@alpinenorth.com; rgmccain@sbcglobal.net; fromm_family@earthlink.net; mjtrnr@yahoo.com; christyryan@sbcglobal.net
Subject: RE: any advice for a tired mommy?
Date: Wed, 17 Jan 2007 11:44:05 -0600
Hello. As long as Gabriel is not sick, or if he is only a little sick as he is right now with a cough, when he cries in the middle of the night we do not go into him. We have a camera in his room (got it from Sam's for $69) that we can watch from TV so we check in on him throughout the night but we just let him cry himself back to sleep. We were in a similar situation a couple months ago when he had been sick and he had started to wake up around 12 or 4 or both and I was going into him and feeding him (he's in 10%). Well, we re-read the Dr. Ferber book and decided to let him cry himself back to sleep. Dr. Ferber says they are still asleep when they wake up and cry and you should let them cry themselves back to sleep. When you go to them (especially at their age now) they learn to wake up at those different times to eat, atleast that's what Gabriel was doing. we basically encouraged him to wake at 12 or 4 to eat. It sounds like you will need to keep them separate at night until you can get them back on routine. Now this is just my 2 cents because Gabriel will wake up and cry at least for a few minutes every night and sometimes for several minutes, several times a night. I always check on him with camera and then after he's gone back to sleep to make sure he's not wet, etc. but Dr. ferber's method has worked for us. I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time!!
Take care and blessings!
Angie
Date: Wed, 17 Jan 2007 09:29:30 -0800
From: karen_richardson@sbcglobal.net
Subject: any advice for a tired mommy?
To: ririzarry@shepherdsguide.com; b_ljones@sbcglobal.net; katrina@alpinenorth.com; rgmccain@sbcglobal.net; fromm_family@earthlink.net; mjtrnr@yahoo.com; acmooretx@hotmail.com; christyryan@sbcglobal.net
Hi girls,I am exhausted and could use some advice if you have any.My boys are not sleeping well. Until about 1 month ago they both slept through the night for 10-12 hours. Prior to Christmas, Drew started waking up screaming at least once a night. Usually, we could just pat his bottom and he would fall right back to sleep. Sometimes he would cry long enough that I would give him a bottle, which I don't mind because he's only in the 25% in weight. He also started throwing big fits before his naps and once he fell asleep, would only stay asleep for about 45 min. Then we went to my brother's house for Christmas which threw him even more off his schedule. He had a harder time getting to sleep because of all the noise, so I would lay down with him to help him fall asleep, and then put him in his pack-n-play. I have never done this before - in fact, they have never slept with us at all. I thought after everything settled down from our holiday travels, spoiling from the grandparents, and any other possible phase that they were going through that it would get better, but it's only gotten worse! Drew has been waking sometimes up to 5 times a night, and just recently, Bryce has started doing the same. The last 2 nights I was up almost every hour of the night with one of them. I have always put them in seperate rooms for naps because they wake each other up and have had to this for bedtime now, too. They have both been teething a lot, I think they're going through a growth spurt and they just got a cold (from the church nursery! why do parents bring their sick kids to church so everyone elses kids get sick too?!!!)Anyway, as you can probably tell from my tone, I'm tired and frustrated. I can't keep this routine up and have the energy I need for them during the day. If you have any motherly advice for me, I would greatly appreciate it.I hope you and your little ones are doing well!
Karen
Sunday, October 01, 2006
Nathaniel
Here's a web site I created to tell our story and post pictures of Nathaniel and Gabriel.
Click here to view web site about my boys.
Click here to view web site about my boys.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Just recently (August 2006) my oldest sister, Stephanie told me a story. She was praying with Emily now 6 and Abby almost 3. Abby said to her, "Mommy, does God wear a white shirt?" Steph said, "I think so, why do you ask?" Abby said, "In the hospital when Saniel (Nathaniel) was born God was wearing a white shirt." Steph asked, "Where was Nathaniel?" "Angie was holding him and God was looking down on all of us." This two year old confirmed what we were all feeling. God was there and we felt His presence!
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
From: Moore Angie-CAM096
To: Beckie McEwen
Sent: Wednesday, August 23, 2006 7:48 PM
Subject:
RE: sorry for the long response
Hi Beckie,
About my precious babies.....Well what can I say? ....well, I wouldn't trade my experience for anything.Just recently I heard the song "A New Day" by Celine Dion. I believe she's talking about the birth of her son, but somehow the words ring true for me with Nathaniel and Gabriel. Here are the words:I was waiting for so longFor a miracle to comeEveryone told me to be strongHold on and don't shed a tearThrough the darkness and good timesI knew I'd make it throughAnd the world thought I had it allBut I was waiting for youHush, loveI see a light in the skyOh, it's almost blinding meI can't believeI've been touched by an angel with loveLet the rain come down and wash away my tears Let it fill my soul and drown my fears Let it shatter the walls for a new, new sun A new day has...comeWhere it was dark now there's lightWhere there was pain now there's joyWhere there was weakness, I found my strength All in the eyes of a boyThe words had new meaning to me since Nathaniel came into our lives. Itruly feel like I was touched by an angel. Oh and by the way, it is not my strength. It's funny when people say "You're so strong." No one can lose a child and make it on their own...I just think that's impossible! I believe God may just be gracious enough to even hear the groans of the unbeliever in a time such as that. He simply carried us through the days and weeks following Nathaniel's birth and death. You could just see the Holy Spirit had descended on us. It was incredible!!! And the outpouring of love was amazing! I still have good days and bad days but have been blessed to have Gabriel. It's actually bittersweet at times. He and Nathaniel would have looked so much alike so sometimes it's hard to see him reach milestones...I just wonder what Nathaniel would be doing or how he would sound! We miss him so much...but time on this earth is so brief. Days just fly by as you probably know, so we'll be with Nathaniel very soon!
Love,Angie
To: Beckie McEwen
Sent: Wednesday, August 23, 2006 7:48 PM
Subject:
RE: sorry for the long response
Hi Beckie,
About my precious babies.....Well what can I say? ....well, I wouldn't trade my experience for anything.Just recently I heard the song "A New Day" by Celine Dion. I believe she's talking about the birth of her son, but somehow the words ring true for me with Nathaniel and Gabriel. Here are the words:I was waiting for so longFor a miracle to comeEveryone told me to be strongHold on and don't shed a tearThrough the darkness and good timesI knew I'd make it throughAnd the world thought I had it allBut I was waiting for youHush, loveI see a light in the skyOh, it's almost blinding meI can't believeI've been touched by an angel with loveLet the rain come down and wash away my tears Let it fill my soul and drown my fears Let it shatter the walls for a new, new sun A new day has...comeWhere it was dark now there's lightWhere there was pain now there's joyWhere there was weakness, I found my strength All in the eyes of a boyThe words had new meaning to me since Nathaniel came into our lives. Itruly feel like I was touched by an angel. Oh and by the way, it is not my strength. It's funny when people say "You're so strong." No one can lose a child and make it on their own...I just think that's impossible! I believe God may just be gracious enough to even hear the groans of the unbeliever in a time such as that. He simply carried us through the days and weeks following Nathaniel's birth and death. You could just see the Holy Spirit had descended on us. It was incredible!!! And the outpouring of love was amazing! I still have good days and bad days but have been blessed to have Gabriel. It's actually bittersweet at times. He and Nathaniel would have looked so much alike so sometimes it's hard to see him reach milestones...I just wonder what Nathaniel would be doing or how he would sound! We miss him so much...but time on this earth is so brief. Days just fly by as you probably know, so we'll be with Nathaniel very soon!
Love,Angie
Monday, July 24, 2006
To: Moore Angie-CAM096
Sent: Monday, July 24, 2006 10:38 PM
Subject: Moore update
Hello friends and family!
I have not sent out an update since the babies were born but wanted to send out a note to all of you that have traveled this journey with us. First, I want to say thank you for all the prayers, love and support through the pregnancy as well as in these past several months. Words cannot express how grateful we are that all of you were praying for us and our precious boys! I wanted you all to know that your prayers were answered. I carried the babies to almost 37 weeks and Nathaniel was born alive. We were able to spend an hour and a half with him and all of the family met him and spent time with him. We have felt and continue to feel immense peace and I am certain that God was and continues to be glorified through Nathaniel's life. What a testament to God's greatness! I also wanted to send an update about Gabriel. He is now 4 months old! My how time flies!!! He weighs 12 pounds 10 oz. and is almost 25 inches long. He is smiling a lot these days and giggles every now and then too! He loves it when we sing to him. He is also now sleeping 5 and 6 hours in the night which makes me very happy! He really has an incredible disposition...very easy going (like his daddy). :)
He loves his daddy and daddy is just smitten. Of course he loves his mommy the most, but daddy's a close second. ha ha. Casey and I never imagined we would love being parents as much as we do! I am attaching the latest pictures we had taken this past month.
Love to you all!
Angie
Sent: Monday, July 24, 2006 10:38 PM
Subject: Moore update
Hello friends and family!
I have not sent out an update since the babies were born but wanted to send out a note to all of you that have traveled this journey with us. First, I want to say thank you for all the prayers, love and support through the pregnancy as well as in these past several months. Words cannot express how grateful we are that all of you were praying for us and our precious boys! I wanted you all to know that your prayers were answered. I carried the babies to almost 37 weeks and Nathaniel was born alive. We were able to spend an hour and a half with him and all of the family met him and spent time with him. We have felt and continue to feel immense peace and I am certain that God was and continues to be glorified through Nathaniel's life. What a testament to God's greatness! I also wanted to send an update about Gabriel. He is now 4 months old! My how time flies!!! He weighs 12 pounds 10 oz. and is almost 25 inches long. He is smiling a lot these days and giggles every now and then too! He loves it when we sing to him. He is also now sleeping 5 and 6 hours in the night which makes me very happy! He really has an incredible disposition...very easy going (like his daddy). :)
He loves his daddy and daddy is just smitten. Of course he loves his mommy the most, but daddy's a close second. ha ha. Casey and I never imagined we would love being parents as much as we do! I am attaching the latest pictures we had taken this past month.
Love to you all!
Angie
Sunday, April 16, 2006
I want to open by saying that God was so incredibly present in the days leading up to and following the birth. He sent so many people to pray with us and support us through this most difficult time. His peace and comfort descended upon us and it was amazing!
I felt like I was prepared for Nathaniel’s birth. As prepared as I could be that is. I contacted a professional photographer to take pictures from the Now I lay me Down to Sleep organization. I bought some bronze casting kits and I had my mom buy some hand print kits. I had my bag packed and brought it to the doctor’s office every time we went for a checkup which was twice a week towards the end.
I was admitted to the hospital for preeclampsia Friday, March 17th while I was at the doctor’s office for a blood pressure check. The doctor came in the next day to discuss what he wanted to do. It was clear I would be in the hospital for the duration of my pregnancy. I was 36 weeks. The doctor said he wanted to schedule the delivery for the following Thursday, March 23rd…my grandmother’s birthday. But if the protein levels in my urine were to go above 600 before then, he would deliver the babies earlier. We did a 24 hour protein test and the results came Monday. They were over 600. When the nurse told me this, it hit me…I was not ready to have these babies…I was not ready to lose Nathaniel. By having the date set for Thursday it gave me a chance to prepare for Nathaniel’s birth and subsequent death. But if they were to be born before then, I just felt I wasn’t ready. The nurse cam in to listen to the babies' heartbeats. She could see I was on the brink of tears. She made a comment about how it must be hard. I broke down. I said I just wasn’t ready. She said that the doctor would come in later to let us know if we needed to move the delivery up. She also sat and prayed for me. Her name was Skoshi. What a blessing! I called Casey and wanted him to come immediately. I just could not be there alone when the doctor came. He was all the way out in Carrollton still and would not be there for at least an hour. I was hysterical…crying uncontrollably. I called my dad. He came immediately to be with me. The doctor did not come until the next morning…and told us that we would keep the date for Thursday. I was relieved. We were still hoping to have a natural delivery if we could. Wednesday morning we went in for a sonogram to see if the babies were in the right position. They were not. We were scheduled for a c-section at 1:15 p.m. the following day. God sent so many people to minister to us in the days before the birth. My best friend Celeste and her husband came in town from Houston. Our friends Shad and Cheryl came in from Colorado. Lots of people from the church came and prayed with us…truly amazing.
March 23…They came in the morning to start preparing me for the surgery. My parents and older sister came to be with me. My sister put on my makeup for me. My younger sister arrived with my brother-in-law and nieces. My mother and father in law came in also. Then it was time to wheel me down to the room where I would be recovering. We went down there and waited a little longer. This is when it hit me. ... We learned about Nathaniel’s condition when we were 12 weeks pregnant. Since we were pregnant with twins we had a sonogram at every monthly appointment....And now it was time to meet our babies…the day that we had been anticipating with joy and sorrow. I had done everything in my power to prepare for this day and yet it was here. Nathaniel was born first. The doctor commented that he had linebacker shoulders. He was cleaned off and immediately given to Casey. Casey held him and he let out a small cry. It was so wonderful to hear him. Casey sat next to me and held Nathaniel for the rest of the time in the operating room. I always thought that I’d be totally with it and coherent if I had a c-section. I was not. I remember mostly everything that happened but I was just very tired and groggy. If I could have I would have slept through the entire thing. Gabriel was born 3 minutes after Nathaniel and had all the standard tests and cleaning off done. He was diagnosed after birth as having IUGR (Intra Uterine Growth Restriction). He was only 3 lbs. 15 oz. at 36 weeks. Once they cleaned him off etc… they brought him to me and Casey and asked me to kiss him. They were going to take him to the NICU.
When I arrived back in the room my parents and two sisters as well as my in-laws were waiting for us. Everyone gathered around to meet Nathaniel as I held him. My nieces, Emily 5 and Abby 2 were let into the room and allowed to meet Nathaniel. My friend Celeste came in after 20 minutes or so and got to see him. I just kept telling him, “Mommy loves you.” He appeared to be having trouble breathing, kind of gasping for breaths. At the time I did not realize that’s what he was doing. My husband took him and held him while sitting on the couch so others could be near him. My mother and his mother sat next to him and admired him. My nieces came over to get a closer look at Nathaniel. Emily touched him. They gave Nathaniel back to me to hold him some more. All I could do was tell him that I loved him and I stroked his arm and kissed his nose. Then my dad came over and asked if my younger sister, Lauren who is 16 could hold him. I desperately wanted her to have that opportunity and handed him over. Casey had been called away to the NICU to check in on Gabriel. After Lauren, my mom held him and rocked him as my dad sat close by. The nurse came over and checked his heart with her stethoscope. She said, "You need to give him back to, mom. He doesn't have much longer." When she came to me she said he only had about 5 minutes. I asked for someone to get Casey from the NICU. Someone left to get him...but Nathaniel was gone. He died at 3:15 p.m. We were able to hold this angel and be with him for an hour and a half. Casey returned quickly but Nathaniel had already passed before he got there. We asked everyone to leave so Casey and I could be alone with Nathaniel. We then asked the photographer to come in. She took the most wonderful pictures.
After the pictures were taken I was tired and everyone held Nathaniel. I was just too tired to hold him myself and I did not want him to be put down. My mom held him and rocked him and then my dad rocked him. My older sister and mom took his feet prints for the bronze castings and asked the nurses to do other ink feet prints. The nurses were absolutely superb. My younger sister Lauren held him and examined him. I laid in my bed and just watched her hold him. I said, “Thank you Lauren for holding him.” No one else was in the room. Towards the end of the day everyone had left except my older sister Stephanie. She gathered all of my things up and loaded my bed. They were wheeling me to the NICU to see Gabriel. I was holding Nathaniel. That was the only time Gabriel and Nathaniel were together after the birth. We do not have a single picture of the two of them together. They then wheeled me back to the room where I had spent the last 6 days. I wondered out loud how long they’d let me hold him. I was so grateful that Stephanie was still there. It was late…around 10 p.m. or later. I held Nathaniel all night long. I would wake up every hour or so and just kiss him and cry.
Friday the 24th was the worst day of my life. Around 7 a.m. I started telling Casey that I would need to let him go at some point. I wasn’t sure what was appropriate. I knew I couldn’t keep him all day. We asked the nurse to come in to discuss what we needed to do. She said she could bring a nursery bed up and she could take him to the morgue whenever we were ready. She brought the bed in around 9 a.m. and I just cried. I needed to let him go. Casey and I made the decision to give him over then. She wheeled him away. This was the absolute hardest thing I’ve had to do. In the days that followed I would question whether I gave him up too soon. I also had regrets about not holding him enough…I look back and think I should not have shared him, although deep down I am glad that I did.
Nathaniel's funeral was on March 29th. It was so perfect. We had a private burial with just family. We were allowed to stay and watch them put him in the ground and bury him. Somehow this was very comforting to me.
We miss him. At night, as I lay my head on the pillow, I cry. I sometimes feel like the pain will never end. But then I think of Gabriel. He is so precious to me.
I felt like I was prepared for Nathaniel’s birth. As prepared as I could be that is. I contacted a professional photographer to take pictures from the Now I lay me Down to Sleep organization. I bought some bronze casting kits and I had my mom buy some hand print kits. I had my bag packed and brought it to the doctor’s office every time we went for a checkup which was twice a week towards the end.
I was admitted to the hospital for preeclampsia Friday, March 17th while I was at the doctor’s office for a blood pressure check. The doctor came in the next day to discuss what he wanted to do. It was clear I would be in the hospital for the duration of my pregnancy. I was 36 weeks. The doctor said he wanted to schedule the delivery for the following Thursday, March 23rd…my grandmother’s birthday. But if the protein levels in my urine were to go above 600 before then, he would deliver the babies earlier. We did a 24 hour protein test and the results came Monday. They were over 600. When the nurse told me this, it hit me…I was not ready to have these babies…I was not ready to lose Nathaniel. By having the date set for Thursday it gave me a chance to prepare for Nathaniel’s birth and subsequent death. But if they were to be born before then, I just felt I wasn’t ready. The nurse cam in to listen to the babies' heartbeats. She could see I was on the brink of tears. She made a comment about how it must be hard. I broke down. I said I just wasn’t ready. She said that the doctor would come in later to let us know if we needed to move the delivery up. She also sat and prayed for me. Her name was Skoshi. What a blessing! I called Casey and wanted him to come immediately. I just could not be there alone when the doctor came. He was all the way out in Carrollton still and would not be there for at least an hour. I was hysterical…crying uncontrollably. I called my dad. He came immediately to be with me. The doctor did not come until the next morning…and told us that we would keep the date for Thursday. I was relieved. We were still hoping to have a natural delivery if we could. Wednesday morning we went in for a sonogram to see if the babies were in the right position. They were not. We were scheduled for a c-section at 1:15 p.m. the following day. God sent so many people to minister to us in the days before the birth. My best friend Celeste and her husband came in town from Houston. Our friends Shad and Cheryl came in from Colorado. Lots of people from the church came and prayed with us…truly amazing.
March 23…They came in the morning to start preparing me for the surgery. My parents and older sister came to be with me. My sister put on my makeup for me. My younger sister arrived with my brother-in-law and nieces. My mother and father in law came in also. Then it was time to wheel me down to the room where I would be recovering. We went down there and waited a little longer. This is when it hit me. ... We learned about Nathaniel’s condition when we were 12 weeks pregnant. Since we were pregnant with twins we had a sonogram at every monthly appointment....And now it was time to meet our babies…the day that we had been anticipating with joy and sorrow. I had done everything in my power to prepare for this day and yet it was here. Nathaniel was born first. The doctor commented that he had linebacker shoulders. He was cleaned off and immediately given to Casey. Casey held him and he let out a small cry. It was so wonderful to hear him. Casey sat next to me and held Nathaniel for the rest of the time in the operating room. I always thought that I’d be totally with it and coherent if I had a c-section. I was not. I remember mostly everything that happened but I was just very tired and groggy. If I could have I would have slept through the entire thing. Gabriel was born 3 minutes after Nathaniel and had all the standard tests and cleaning off done. He was diagnosed after birth as having IUGR (Intra Uterine Growth Restriction). He was only 3 lbs. 15 oz. at 36 weeks. Once they cleaned him off etc… they brought him to me and Casey and asked me to kiss him. They were going to take him to the NICU.
When I arrived back in the room my parents and two sisters as well as my in-laws were waiting for us. Everyone gathered around to meet Nathaniel as I held him. My nieces, Emily 5 and Abby 2 were let into the room and allowed to meet Nathaniel. My friend Celeste came in after 20 minutes or so and got to see him. I just kept telling him, “Mommy loves you.” He appeared to be having trouble breathing, kind of gasping for breaths. At the time I did not realize that’s what he was doing. My husband took him and held him while sitting on the couch so others could be near him. My mother and his mother sat next to him and admired him. My nieces came over to get a closer look at Nathaniel. Emily touched him. They gave Nathaniel back to me to hold him some more. All I could do was tell him that I loved him and I stroked his arm and kissed his nose. Then my dad came over and asked if my younger sister, Lauren who is 16 could hold him. I desperately wanted her to have that opportunity and handed him over. Casey had been called away to the NICU to check in on Gabriel. After Lauren, my mom held him and rocked him as my dad sat close by. The nurse came over and checked his heart with her stethoscope. She said, "You need to give him back to, mom. He doesn't have much longer." When she came to me she said he only had about 5 minutes. I asked for someone to get Casey from the NICU. Someone left to get him...but Nathaniel was gone. He died at 3:15 p.m. We were able to hold this angel and be with him for an hour and a half. Casey returned quickly but Nathaniel had already passed before he got there. We asked everyone to leave so Casey and I could be alone with Nathaniel. We then asked the photographer to come in. She took the most wonderful pictures.
After the pictures were taken I was tired and everyone held Nathaniel. I was just too tired to hold him myself and I did not want him to be put down. My mom held him and rocked him and then my dad rocked him. My older sister and mom took his feet prints for the bronze castings and asked the nurses to do other ink feet prints. The nurses were absolutely superb. My younger sister Lauren held him and examined him. I laid in my bed and just watched her hold him. I said, “Thank you Lauren for holding him.” No one else was in the room. Towards the end of the day everyone had left except my older sister Stephanie. She gathered all of my things up and loaded my bed. They were wheeling me to the NICU to see Gabriel. I was holding Nathaniel. That was the only time Gabriel and Nathaniel were together after the birth. We do not have a single picture of the two of them together. They then wheeled me back to the room where I had spent the last 6 days. I wondered out loud how long they’d let me hold him. I was so grateful that Stephanie was still there. It was late…around 10 p.m. or later. I held Nathaniel all night long. I would wake up every hour or so and just kiss him and cry.
Friday the 24th was the worst day of my life. Around 7 a.m. I started telling Casey that I would need to let him go at some point. I wasn’t sure what was appropriate. I knew I couldn’t keep him all day. We asked the nurse to come in to discuss what we needed to do. She said she could bring a nursery bed up and she could take him to the morgue whenever we were ready. She brought the bed in around 9 a.m. and I just cried. I needed to let him go. Casey and I made the decision to give him over then. She wheeled him away. This was the absolute hardest thing I’ve had to do. In the days that followed I would question whether I gave him up too soon. I also had regrets about not holding him enough…I look back and think I should not have shared him, although deep down I am glad that I did.
Nathaniel's funeral was on March 29th. It was so perfect. We had a private burial with just family. We were allowed to stay and watch them put him in the ground and bury him. Somehow this was very comforting to me.
We miss him. At night, as I lay my head on the pillow, I cry. I sometimes feel like the pain will never end. But then I think of Gabriel. He is so precious to me.
Saturday, March 25, 2006
From: Moore Casey-CCM041
Sent: Saturday, March 25, 2006 4:13 PM
To: Moore Casey-CCM041
Subject:
Angie and Casey Moore are the proud parents of Nathaniel and Gabriel Moore.
Nathaniel was delivered at 1:44pm on Thursday March 23, 2006. Brother Gabriel was delivered three minutes later at 1:47pm.
Nathaniel weighed 4 lbs. 13 oz. and was 16” long. Gabriel weighed 3 lbs. 15 oz. and was 16 ” long.
Angie and Casey were blessed to be able to spend an hour and a half with Nathaniel before he was called to be with the Lord.
Gabriel is in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit and is doing very well. We anticipate that he will be allowed to go home next week.
Sent: Saturday, March 25, 2006 4:13 PM
To: Moore Casey-CCM041
Subject:
Angie and Casey Moore are the proud parents of Nathaniel and Gabriel Moore.
Nathaniel was delivered at 1:44pm on Thursday March 23, 2006. Brother Gabriel was delivered three minutes later at 1:47pm.
Nathaniel weighed 4 lbs. 13 oz. and was 16” long. Gabriel weighed 3 lbs. 15 oz. and was 16 ” long.
Angie and Casey were blessed to be able to spend an hour and a half with Nathaniel before he was called to be with the Lord.
Gabriel is in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit and is doing very well. We anticipate that he will be allowed to go home next week.
Friday, March 24, 2006
Psalm 139:13-16
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
Monday, February 06, 2006
From: Moore Angie-CAM096
Sent: Monday, February 06, 2006 10:45 PM
Subject: Moore Update
Hello Friends and Family,
It's been a couple of months since I sent an update. Casey and I went to a "glamour shots for babies" session at 27 weeks where we had a 4D sonogram. We got to see both babies' faces!! This was a wonderful experience for us! Casey and I went in for our 30 week appointment this past week. The babies weigh approximately 3 lbs. each and are growing at a good rate. Both are very active and we are trying to cherish every precious kick. We are counting down the weeks now and are anxiously awaiting their arrival. We cannot wait to meet both of these precious babies that we have prayed for and dreamed of for so long. Nathaniel's diagnosis of anencephaly is the same. We are still believing that God can do a miracle but also realize that a miracle may not be God's will for Nathaniel. I ask that you all please continue to pray for a miracle for Nathaniel. Also pray that I will carry the babies to 37 weeks, have an easy birth experience without complications and that Nathaniel will be born alive. Pray that we will be able to spend as much time as possible with him and that close family will be able to meet him and spend time with him as well. Pray that Nathaniel's life will bring God glory and touch many people for God's Kingdom. Please continue to pray for God's peace and comfort to surround Casey and myself as well as the rest of the family in the upcoming months. I cannot express how grateful we are to all of you for praying for us and our precious babies. We have felt tremendous peace that surpasses understanding and can only come from our Heavenly Father. We count ourselves as truly blessed to have friends and family we can call on to intercede for us.
Love,Angie
Sent: Monday, February 06, 2006 10:45 PM
Subject: Moore Update
Hello Friends and Family,
It's been a couple of months since I sent an update. Casey and I went to a "glamour shots for babies" session at 27 weeks where we had a 4D sonogram. We got to see both babies' faces!! This was a wonderful experience for us! Casey and I went in for our 30 week appointment this past week. The babies weigh approximately 3 lbs. each and are growing at a good rate. Both are very active and we are trying to cherish every precious kick. We are counting down the weeks now and are anxiously awaiting their arrival. We cannot wait to meet both of these precious babies that we have prayed for and dreamed of for so long. Nathaniel's diagnosis of anencephaly is the same. We are still believing that God can do a miracle but also realize that a miracle may not be God's will for Nathaniel. I ask that you all please continue to pray for a miracle for Nathaniel. Also pray that I will carry the babies to 37 weeks, have an easy birth experience without complications and that Nathaniel will be born alive. Pray that we will be able to spend as much time as possible with him and that close family will be able to meet him and spend time with him as well. Pray that Nathaniel's life will bring God glory and touch many people for God's Kingdom. Please continue to pray for God's peace and comfort to surround Casey and myself as well as the rest of the family in the upcoming months. I cannot express how grateful we are to all of you for praying for us and our precious babies. We have felt tremendous peace that surpasses understanding and can only come from our Heavenly Father. We count ourselves as truly blessed to have friends and family we can call on to intercede for us.
Love,Angie
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
From: Moore Angie-CAM096
Sent: Tuesday, December 20, 2005 6:54 AM
Subject: Moore Update
Hello everyone,
Casey and I went in for our 22 week appointment this past week. Both babies are growing at the expected rate weighing 1 lb and 3 oz each, however the prognosis is the same for Baby A. We did finally choose names for them. Baby A is Nathaniel James, Nathaniel meaning "a gift from God" and Baby B is Gabriel Steven, Gabriel meaning "devoted to God." They are both very active and have very different schedules! We are still praying for a miracle and ask that you do the same. Please also continue to pray for God's peace and comfort to surround us. Thank you for praying.
Have A Very Merry Christmas!
Love,Angie
Sent: Tuesday, December 20, 2005 6:54 AM
Subject: Moore Update
Hello everyone,
Casey and I went in for our 22 week appointment this past week. Both babies are growing at the expected rate weighing 1 lb and 3 oz each, however the prognosis is the same for Baby A. We did finally choose names for them. Baby A is Nathaniel James, Nathaniel meaning "a gift from God" and Baby B is Gabriel Steven, Gabriel meaning "devoted to God." They are both very active and have very different schedules! We are still praying for a miracle and ask that you do the same. Please also continue to pray for God's peace and comfort to surround us. Thank you for praying.
Have A Very Merry Christmas!
Love,Angie
Monday, November 07, 2005
From: Moore Angie-CAM096
Sent: Monday, November 07, 2005 11:52 AM
Subject: Moore Prayer request
Hello friends and family, First I want to say thank you for praying for us and our precious babies. We are so thankful that we have friends and family that are willing to intercede for us. Casey and I went to our 16 week sonogram this past week and found out that we are having two BOYS! We are very excited about boys, however we thought we would have girls so we have no boy names picked out yet. Both babies are healthy and growing but the prognosis is the same for Baby A.
We are still praying for a miracle and ask that you do the same. Please also continue to pray for God's peace and comfort to surround us.
Thanks again for praying.
Love,Angie
Sent: Monday, November 07, 2005 11:52 AM
Subject: Moore Prayer request
Hello friends and family, First I want to say thank you for praying for us and our precious babies. We are so thankful that we have friends and family that are willing to intercede for us. Casey and I went to our 16 week sonogram this past week and found out that we are having two BOYS! We are very excited about boys, however we thought we would have girls so we have no boy names picked out yet. Both babies are healthy and growing but the prognosis is the same for Baby A.
We are still praying for a miracle and ask that you do the same. Please also continue to pray for God's peace and comfort to surround us.
Thanks again for praying.
Love,Angie
Thursday, October 13, 2005
From: Moore Angie-CAM096 [mailto:angie.moore@motorola.com]Sent:
Thursday, October 13, 2005 4:07 PM
To: Jennifer R. ByrdSubject:
RE: Prayer request
Thank you. The more people praying the better! I know He can perform amiracle if that's in His will. I've actually been surprised at my disposition over the last severaldays. Once I got over the shock of it all I found that God had granted me animmense amount of peace. God is perfect and doesn't make mistakes so I'm trusting in His perfectand holy will in this situation. If for some reason our precious angel was never supposed to live in this world, then there are higher reasons for the baby's purpose. Many people will be touched by this one little being, amazing! So either way God will be glorified.
Love,Angie
Thursday, October 13, 2005 4:07 PM
To: Jennifer R. ByrdSubject:
RE: Prayer request
Thank you. The more people praying the better! I know He can perform amiracle if that's in His will. I've actually been surprised at my disposition over the last severaldays. Once I got over the shock of it all I found that God had granted me animmense amount of peace. God is perfect and doesn't make mistakes so I'm trusting in His perfectand holy will in this situation. If for some reason our precious angel was never supposed to live in this world, then there are higher reasons for the baby's purpose. Many people will be touched by this one little being, amazing! So either way God will be glorified.
Love,Angie
Monday, October 10, 2005
From: Moore Angie-CAM096 Sent: Monday, October 10, 2005 4:47 PM
To: 'Steve Smith'; 'Mom at Home'Cc: 'Lauren E Smith'; Stephanie Cruson; Moore Casey-CCM041; Home Email
Subject: Babies
Mom and Dad,
Thanks for going and praying with Casey and I after church yesterday. We really appreciate all of your love, support, and prayers. After praying yesterday and thinking more about it, God has granted me some well-needed peace in this situation. Some things I remembered as I reflected on what Winston said in the prayer room and other things I have learned about God through my walk with Him since I was 19 or 20: God is in control of everything. He has the power to "authorize" or "forbid" this type of trial to pass over us. Nothing happens without His complete knowledge.
Knowing all of this, I started to question; If I could snap my fingers today and change this baby's condition, if I knew that I would be going against God's will, would I do it? As hard as it is to say, I don't believe I would. God's way's are perfect. He has no blemish. He knows what is best for this baby, for Casey, myself and our other baby, as well as all the people around us that love us and our babies. So as much as it hurts, I can live with the outcome. I will continue to pray for complete healing and that the lesson God wanted all of us to learn from this situation will be learned. But if that is not God's will and this baby is to remain with this condition I will pray for God's perfect and holy will and most of all for His comfort. There are many, many people praying for us and our precious angel. Which also means there are lots of people watching to see how we handle this situation. Will God be glorified?
There is a song that I love and have come to appreciate over the past year as Casey and I have struggled through infertility. "Blessed Be Your Name" is the song. Just two weeks ago Celeste and I had a conversation about this song and we both agreed that this song was our theme song. On Tuesday, this theme song was then tested. The song goes like this:
Blessed be Your name in the land that is plentiful Where Your streams of abundance flow Blessed be Your name And blessed be Your name when I’m found in the desert place Though I walk through the wilderness Blessed be your name Every blessing You pour out I’ll turn back to praise And when the darkness closes in Lord Still I will say Blessed be the name of the Lord Blessed be Your name Blessed be the name of the Lord Blessed be Your glorious name Blessed be Your name when the sun’s shining down on me When the world’s “all as it should be” Blessed be Your name And blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering Though there’s pain in the offering Blessed be Your name You give and take away You give and take away My heart will choose to say Lord, blessed be Your name
As I was crying and talking to Celeste on Tuesday night I questioned out loud if I could say "Blessed be the name of the Lord" now? I certainly could as we struggled through infertility, but now I wasn't sure.
After praying continually for the past several days, I can say "Blessed be the name of the LORD!" He is holy and perfect and I want to walk in His will, no matter what. I trust that He will carry Casey and I as we take this journey.
I love you very much!
Angie
To: 'Steve Smith'; 'Mom at Home'Cc: 'Lauren E Smith'; Stephanie Cruson; Moore Casey-CCM041; Home Email
Subject: Babies
Mom and Dad,
Thanks for going and praying with Casey and I after church yesterday. We really appreciate all of your love, support, and prayers. After praying yesterday and thinking more about it, God has granted me some well-needed peace in this situation. Some things I remembered as I reflected on what Winston said in the prayer room and other things I have learned about God through my walk with Him since I was 19 or 20: God is in control of everything. He has the power to "authorize" or "forbid" this type of trial to pass over us. Nothing happens without His complete knowledge.
Knowing all of this, I started to question; If I could snap my fingers today and change this baby's condition, if I knew that I would be going against God's will, would I do it? As hard as it is to say, I don't believe I would. God's way's are perfect. He has no blemish. He knows what is best for this baby, for Casey, myself and our other baby, as well as all the people around us that love us and our babies. So as much as it hurts, I can live with the outcome. I will continue to pray for complete healing and that the lesson God wanted all of us to learn from this situation will be learned. But if that is not God's will and this baby is to remain with this condition I will pray for God's perfect and holy will and most of all for His comfort. There are many, many people praying for us and our precious angel. Which also means there are lots of people watching to see how we handle this situation. Will God be glorified?
There is a song that I love and have come to appreciate over the past year as Casey and I have struggled through infertility. "Blessed Be Your Name" is the song. Just two weeks ago Celeste and I had a conversation about this song and we both agreed that this song was our theme song. On Tuesday, this theme song was then tested. The song goes like this:
Blessed be Your name in the land that is plentiful Where Your streams of abundance flow Blessed be Your name And blessed be Your name when I’m found in the desert place Though I walk through the wilderness Blessed be your name Every blessing You pour out I’ll turn back to praise And when the darkness closes in Lord Still I will say Blessed be the name of the Lord Blessed be Your name Blessed be the name of the Lord Blessed be Your glorious name Blessed be Your name when the sun’s shining down on me When the world’s “all as it should be” Blessed be Your name And blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering Though there’s pain in the offering Blessed be Your name You give and take away You give and take away My heart will choose to say Lord, blessed be Your name
As I was crying and talking to Celeste on Tuesday night I questioned out loud if I could say "Blessed be the name of the Lord" now? I certainly could as we struggled through infertility, but now I wasn't sure.
After praying continually for the past several days, I can say "Blessed be the name of the LORD!" He is holy and perfect and I want to walk in His will, no matter what. I trust that He will carry Casey and I as we take this journey.
I love you very much!
Angie
Thursday, October 06, 2005
From: Moore Angie-CAM096Sent:
Thursday, October 06, 2005 11:04 AM
Subject: FW: Prayer request
All,
Casey and I received bad news at a recent 12 week sonogram and had the diagnosis confirmed yesterday. One of the babies has anencephaly, a fatal neural tube defect. The baby can continue to live in-utero but will die shortly after birth. The other baby is healthy. We serve a mighty God and we are believing and trusting in Him for a miracle for our precious baby. Please pray that God will heal this baby completely. Please pray also for comfort and peace during this very trying time. Casey and I, ultimately seek God's will in this situation.
Thank you for praying.
Love,Angie
Thursday, October 06, 2005 11:04 AM
Subject: FW: Prayer request
All,
Casey and I received bad news at a recent 12 week sonogram and had the diagnosis confirmed yesterday. One of the babies has anencephaly, a fatal neural tube defect. The baby can continue to live in-utero but will die shortly after birth. The other baby is healthy. We serve a mighty God and we are believing and trusting in Him for a miracle for our precious baby. Please pray that God will heal this baby completely. Please pray also for comfort and peace during this very trying time. Casey and I, ultimately seek God's will in this situation.
Thank you for praying.
Love,Angie
Thursday, August 25, 2005
Monday, August 08, 2005
From: Moore Angie-CAM096Sent: Monday, August 08, 2005 3:36 PMSubject: RE: update
Hello everyone!!I wanted to send out the official note since there are some addressed on the email that Casey and I have not yet spoken to. As most of you know, Casey and I have been going through an IVF cycle these past 2 months. Saturday we received very good news...we are pregnant! Thank you for all of your encouraging words and most of all for your prayers. We really count ourselves very blessed to have such wonderful friends! Please continue to pray for a very healthy pregnancy! The next several weeks are very important. Love,Angie
From: Moore Angie-CAM096 Sent: Monday, August 08, 2005 10:26 AMTo: Rasmussen Joni-cjs141Subject: Hi!
I have super-fantastic news!! Casey and I are pregnant! We took blood test on Saturday....the beta number was 287 (avg 50-100). They said this indicates there might be more than one.
Thanks for your prayers. God answered!!!
Hello everyone!!I wanted to send out the official note since there are some addressed on the email that Casey and I have not yet spoken to. As most of you know, Casey and I have been going through an IVF cycle these past 2 months. Saturday we received very good news...we are pregnant! Thank you for all of your encouraging words and most of all for your prayers. We really count ourselves very blessed to have such wonderful friends! Please continue to pray for a very healthy pregnancy! The next several weeks are very important. Love,Angie
From: Moore Angie-CAM096 Sent: Monday, August 08, 2005 10:26 AMTo: Rasmussen Joni-cjs141Subject: Hi!
I have super-fantastic news!! Casey and I are pregnant! We took blood test on Saturday....the beta number was 287 (avg 50-100). They said this indicates there might be more than one.
Thanks for your prayers. God answered!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)